Groundhog’s Day is not only a great movie but also a terrible holiday.
Much like Christ’s resurrection on The Third Day, Groundhog Day 2011 is an inevitability.
Being sold on the importance of Groundhog Day as a child scarred me for life. To this day I can’t comprehend why so much enthusiasm was generated for a holiday that essentially took place before any of us woke up, as the sun-scared woodchuck emerged from his hole to forage for food, maybe splash around in a stream, poop, and head back from whence he came, all before 7 a.m.
Prior to Groundhog Day we were directed to make groundhog cutouts in art class and even watch nature films about woodchucks (these exist). Perhaps it was to assuage the post-Christmas depression that ensnared 6 to 12 year olds everywhere.
As you know Punxsutawney Phil—who has to be replaceable like Lassie, right? woodchucks don’t live into their fifties—is the lone decider of how bad the winter will be. Not expert climatologists or reputed scientists like James Hansen. Nope. We’ve got woodchuck Phil for that, eater of bugs and snails.
Groundhog Day should be cancelled. Sure, it’s fun for kids, or at least kids are forced to think that it is supposed to be fun, but mixing weather with superstition is bad, bad, bad.
It’s highly likely that the east coast, home to groundhog Phil and snotty liberals burdened by intellect alike, will be bombarded by another icy-slushy snowstorm Tuesday evening. Phil probably won’t dig out of his hole to make unassailable climate predictions for American citizens. He could be trapped under snow—in fact, he could be dead. “Look at these snowstorms! So this is what global warming is like! Let’s hang Al Gore in effigy.” Read this articleand read it thrice again so it really sinks.
Punxsutawney Phil, you’ve been great to us. It’s time to retire. Let’s bring in Climate Carl, the educated groundhog with a common touch, that encourages schools and parents to read to the young about the ill effects of global warming and how it will shape their future. That’s a groundhog we can believe in.
