Yes, this interview is as bizarrely hilarious you think it is.
Vladimir Putin is the Paul Bunyan of contemporary politicians — a giant in every respect. Whenever a writer profiles the social life of the former Russian President I fully expect to read that he does polar bear plunges in the arctic and vacations in Siberia, and his primary source of transportation is a giant blue ox.
And judging by the his recent interview in the UK version of GQ, the powerful sarcastic media machine’s assumptions about Putin’s mythical character traits aren’t far off base.
The iconic Russian Prime Minister, who may or may not be responsible for restoring peace and order in Russia via intimidation and brute strength, was interviewed by the infamously feisty supermodel Naomi Campbell.
Campbell, who is recognized more for appearing on the front of magazines rather than adding anything of value inside of them, asks Putin the hard hitting questions we have come to expect from the 40 year-old model. But make no mistake—Putin is the unequivocal star of this interview.
This myth-enhancing journalistic gem further strengthens Putin’s already flawless resume.
Excerpts and commentary from ‘When Naomi Met Vladimir’ (keep in mind this interview really happened)
Naomi Campbell: You’re in pretty good physical shape. How do you manage to keep yourself so fit?
Vladimir Putin: Probably the same way you do.
Hmm, I sincerely doubt that Vlad, because everyone knows Naomi stays fit by introducing assistants, housekeepers, and London police officers to the back of her hand.
Naomi Campbell: Actually, I don’t work out as much as I should, but I do believe that it’s a healthy mind as well as a healthy body that keeps me fit, sound and calm.
Vladimir Putin: Exactly. You just answered your own question.
The ever-stoic Putin attempts to insult Campbell’s pointless rambling. However, Naomi counters by being too stupid to realize Putin is using his understated Russian wit to crush her spirit.
Naomi Campbell: What’s your fitness regime?
Vladimir Putin: I go to the gym, I swim daily and from time to time I meet with friends and do extra-curricular stuff. I had a good work-out just the day before yesterday.
Putin recalls ‘good work-outs’ like others remember birthdays. And by extra-curricular activities, Putin means base-jumping off the Kremlin and wrestling grizzlies in his spare time. The real mystery here is, who are these friends he speaks of? And are they super-human as well?
Naomi Campell: I’ve seen the picture of you doing the butterfly stroke and, since I’ve been living in Russia, I noticed most people here swim the butterfly. I can’t swim the butterfly, but I was just in the Dead Sea in Jordan and it was the first time I floated in my whole life.
Vladimir Putin: You can swim any way you like in the Dead Sea, actually. But I was swimming butterfly because the water was cold. It was one of the famous Siberian rivers and the water was something like 16˚C. My idea was to get out of the water as soon as possible.
Campbell continues to reveal pointless tidbits about her life that she thinks we might find compelling, whereas Putin matter-of-factly states that he actually swims in Siberian rivers. And his version of the butterfly stroke is so flawless and efficient that he flies as much as 15 feet out of the water per stroke!
Naomi Campbell: You go for extreme sports like bareback riding, white-water rafting, motor racing, skiing, hunting. Is it a thrill, or just showing off? You must have had injuries.
Vladimir Putin: Back in my student days, I broke a finger when I was mucking about during exercise, but I’ve been lucky recently.
HAHA SILLY GIRL. YOU CANNOT BREAK ME!
Naomi Campbell: In the summer you were photographed on a Harley-Davidson at a biker’s festival in Ukraine. How were you received by the bikers, the Night Wolves?
Vladimir Putin: Well, these are really cool guys, really tough guys. One of them was a really courageous person who traveled a few thousand kilometers on a two-wheeler bike. He’s a handicapped guy with only one leg – he lost it somewhere in Yugoslavia during the war. I’m not the tough guy, those guys are.
In the dictionary according to Putin ‘cool’ actually means ‘tough.’ Losing a leg and continuing to ride a motorcycle is the ultimate cool. Putin’s commitment to being cool is so strong he would cut his leg off, if he could find a blade strong enough.
Naomi Campbell: You’ve been known to attend bare-knuckle fights. Ever been in one?
Vladimir Putin: No, it’s not my sport; since I was 14, I’ve done judo. But the bare-knuckle fight I attended was very impressive. These guys are tough. I watched the Russian, French and British teams and each and every one of these athletes deserves great credit. There are even women who do it.
Tough = Cool. And attention all female bare knuckle fighters, Vlad the Impaler would like to spar a couple rounds with you, and by spar he means sexually punish.
Naomi Campbell: I know you’ve come face to face with a tiger in the wild – how does that feel?
Vladimir Putin: It felt good for me, but not all of my Russian colleagues felt the same way.
There is not an ounce of fear in this man’s body. Who describes an encounter with a wild tiger as ‘feeling pretty good’? The prime minister of cool, Vladimir Putin.