This Is Why You’re Unhappy

If only you were rich, old, Asian and Jewish. Then you’d be set.

Trying to be happy? You’re doing it wrong.

The New York Times recently asked Gallup to come up with a set of criteria to judge who was the happiest person in America. Here’s what they decided: “He’s a tall, Asian-American, observant Jew who is at least 65 and married, has children, lives in Hawaii, runs his own business and has a household income of more than $120,000 a year.”

Oy vey. The closest I get to meeting any of these requirements is that I’m a dude. I had a Bar Mitzvah when I turned 13, but I haven’t attended synagogue since. I don’t think that counts. Or pleases my grandparents.

However, for all you sad sacks out there, being male and Jewish is a relatively easy state to attain. (Unless you’re a woman, in which case it’s very expensive.) Starting a company, finding true love, and procreating are far more difficult than adopting a religion.

And becoming Asian? Or taller? Science just isn’t there yet, and maybe that’s for the best.

Let’s say that you’re already a statistical freak show, a Jewish Asian-American with the wife, the kids, the business, the money, and the home in Hawaii. You’ve got it made, man. I really envy all the…oh wait, you’re only 35? Bro, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’ve got another three decades of existential agony to deal with before you reach nirvana. Should’ve been born earlier.

Does anyone have such an immaculate resume? The Times discovered Alvin Wong, the lone person in America who fit the bill. Congratulations, Mr. Wong. You will now be subjected to a brief but steady stream of press as the Happiest Person in America. Prepare to endure silly questions about your feelings for days on end.

“There is a tremendous pressure that I feel I have to be happy all the time,” Wong told KITV in Honolulu. We can only hope he cracks underneath it. Now that we’ve found that one jerk who’s actually happy, our only option is to make Alvin Wong feel as awful and anxious as the rest of us.