Frequent Fliers Are Fatties

If you’re an American flying in an airplane, you’re fat. (And if you’re an evangelical American flying in an airplane, you’re probably fatter.)

According to The New York Times, the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) estimates the average American flier “to weigh 195 pounds in winter clothing and 190 pounds in summer clothing.” This bodes terribly for the humans of central North America, because the FAA gives no distinction between male and female weights, meaning that everyone is very, very fat.

Seafarers (yeah, apparently people still use boats) come in a close second at 185 pounds, followed by the somewhat-slender bus rider at 150 pounds. (The estimate weight of bus riders may soon be increased by the Federal Transit Administration to 175 pounds, a more accurate reflection of how truly fat our nation has become.)

Please, America, put down that Whopper, or we’ll all be killed. Overweight planes can crash, overweight buses can flip over, and overweight boats can capsize. Don’t believe me? Remember the Oregon Trail: “Do you need another wagon or do you want to lighten your load?”

[via NY Times]