Who sells out his teammates to the federal grand jury, memorabilia via Twitter, his soul to reality television, and his brother to Celebrity Boxing? One man: Jose Canseco.
It must be hard being an identical twin, always being confused with and compared to your sibling. Parents dress you the same because it’s “cute.” Teachers always call you by the wrong name. Significant others have sex with the wrong twin, supposedly “by accident.” And everyone struggles to recognize you as an individual, which sounds like a total drag.
It’s a tough draw in life—that is, unless you have a penchant for havoc and tomfoolery. In that case being an identical twin can lead to a plethora of opportunities for deviousness.
Then you can pull off sitcom-y tricks like Tia and Tamara Mowry in “Sister, Sister,” use a bit of magical confusion a la Fred and George Weasley in Harry Potter, or simply be anorexic whores like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.
Or you can be twin idiots like Jose and Ozzie Canseco.
It’s common knowledge that Jose Canseco is shameless. This is the same man who isn’t below selling his autographed jockstrap on Twitter. Over the years Canseco has proven to be immune to ethical dilemmas and moral quandaries. The former American League MVP was the most famous whistleblower of the steroid era, selling out former teammates with brazen disregard for the unwritten clubhouse code. Canseco has proven time and time again he has zero boundaries when it comes to collecting some extra pocket cash.
This past weekend Canseco was supposed to appear in a Celebrity Boxing match at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in South Florida, which sounds like a typical soulless Saturday evening for the former Bash Brother.
Granted celebrity boxing isn’t exactly a revered, or even respected, sport. It’s a chance to watch Z-list celebrities release the frustrations of their floundering careers through physical violence. It’s the kind of place you could find Michael Lohan and Tonya Harding. In other words, it’s a place where Canseco rules supreme.
The former star of VH1’s “Surreal Life,” and current contestant on “Celebrity Apprentice,” was paid $10,000 to face Billy Padden (who?) in front of 400 spectators. Before the bout the former baseball player posed for pictures and hobnobbed with guests. Everything was going as planned, until Canseco took his shirt off.
It was then that the fight’s promoters realized that it wasn’t Jose, but his identical twin brother Ozzie who showed up to the fight. The Canseco brothers attempted to pull off the greatest switcheroo since Kevin Kline was swapped with a comatose President in “Dave.”
The only visually discernible difference between the Canseco brothers is Ozzie’s lack of tattoos. But as any baseball fan knows, if you threw Ozzie a fastball you’d notice another major difference — the ability to hit 462 major league home runs.
The Canseco brothers, of course, feel they were the righteous ones in this whole ordeal. Jose tweeted : “Be very careful with Damon feldman who runs celebrity boxing he will not pay you if you fight for him.”
Considering neither Jose or Ozzie did any actual fighting, I’m pretty sure Feldman is in the right, but try telling Canseco that. In less than 140 characters Mr. Canseco told us the end-all-be-all of his existence: Getting that paper by any means possible.
Most of the time it results in embarrassment — not that Canseco gives a shit.