In which I use the word “taco” 21 times.
It seems I am finding my niche as that guy who writes about the disgusting things he enjoys putting in his mouth—at least, the disgusting food he enjoys putting in his mouth.
Hence my interest in Taco Bell’s newest top secret taco. GrubGrade.com reports that a location in Toledo, Ohio is offering a menu item called the “Doritos Loco Taco,” which is a normal taco made with a Doritos Nacho Cheese chip shell. Presumably, this is a test run for the product’s national release.
I’m all for it, in case you had to guess. I’m expecting this thing to taste exactly like Doritos’ delicious “Tacos at Midnight” flavored chips; after all, it is the time to eat Taco Bell, stoned and desirous of fake cheese.
Much has been made of extreme food recently, what with KFC’s Double Down and Denny’s new bacon holocaust rippling through the internet. Taco Bell, by contrast, has been crazy forever. In fact, Doritos Locos Tacos represent a relatively tame outing for the faux-Mexican chain, not even cracking the list of the restaurant’s food place’s top 5 most insane offerings.
What are the top 5? I’m so glad you asked…
5. Cheddar Bacon Gordita Crunch
Wrap a taco in a tortilla, then add a Berlin Wall of cheese and bacon between the two. Here’s a good rule for eating fast food: If you ever notice a menu item that includes a kind of food you have never seen the chain serve before, don’t order it. This was the first instance of bacon I had noticed at Taco Bell. Bacon doesn’t just “appear” in a restaurant to be a part of one thing on the menu. Proceed with caution.
4. Mountain Dew Baja Blast
Who’s sugary dick does a fast food company have to suck to get their own exclusive flavor of Mountain Dew? Actually, the better question is, who cares? Baja Blast is blue and can only be gotten in conjunction with a burrito, which means it’s better than regular Mountain Dew. Like everything else Taco Bell provides, it’s perfect for playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater and falling asleep before sundown.
3. The Meximelt
Combining the words “Mexico” and “melt” does a disservice to both parties, inviting associations that you don’t necessarily want to entertain while eating. For that reason, the Meximelt may have the worst name of any item in the Taco Bell lexicon.
Also, what the fuck is it supposed to be? A sideways burrito? A quesadilla with some other shit in it? Shame, Taco Bell. Don’t expect me to get wet over beef, salsa and cheese hanging out in a flaccid tortilla. Consider the Meximelt as an example of the franchise foregoing imagination for the sake of clearing out some excess Grade D meat.
2. The $5 Box
Charles Barkley in a Taco Bell commercial. Charles Barkley in a Taco Bell commercial. Charles Barkley in a Taco Bell commercial…
I’ll refer you to what I said about the Cheddar Bacon Gordita Crunch, substituting shellfish for bacon. I eat a lot of nasty shit, but fucking with fast food scrimps is a plane of existence on which I fear to tread. Plus, avocado ranch? What the actual fuck is avocado ranch?
That Taco Bell had this idea in the first place, and enough people actually ate the damn thing to have them bring it back for a victory lap makes the Pacific Scrimp Taco by far the craziest thing Taco Bell has ever produced. Doritos Locos Tacos have their work cut out for them, but history has shown that we can always count on the Bell to outdo itself. On the day they invent a marijuana chalupa, you’ll know the franchise’s long, strange journey will have at last come full, delicious circle.