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Happy Birthday Osama Bin Laden

By Matt Kiebus Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Osama 50.JPGWe haven’t seen you in like 10 years bro! The game of Hide-and-Go-Seek is over. You should really stop by and blow out your candles this year, you’re missing out on all the fun. We had a moon bounce and some jugglers last year. This year we’re all going to Dave and Busters. We promise we won’t stone you in a public square or set you on fire. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but FBI guys got you some dynamite gifts.

I know you have some issues with how we do things over in the US of A, but I swear once you have a No. 6 from Wendy’s and a trenta macchiato from Starbucks you’ll be hooked.

If Big Boy Bin is still alive, he hasn’t aged very well for someone who is only (supposedly) 53 years old. I mean fathering somewhere between 12 and 26 children probably takes a toll on a man. I’d be really good at hiding too if I had four wives and 26 kids. Child support payments must be brutal. He’s not getting 50 virgins in heaven; he’s getting a lifetime of tykes on Saturday afternoons making a mess of his cave. God, imagine if he celebrated Christmas? That’s a lot of Mongoose bikes and iPods.

Now there are a lot of rumors that Bin Laden is dead. The speculation ranges from kidney failure, stroke, and typhoid fever. Some reports state that he is paralyzed from the waist down. It would be somewhat disappointing is the king of terror has passed away from something simple like human diseases. No execution of Saw- like proportions will fully satisfy the American public, but the thought of Osama being domestically terrorized by his cave is a tad bit funny.

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