Finally Someone Says to Children: “Go the Fuck to Sleep”

I have been convinced that parents only see their children as the greatest things ever until I discovered the book, “Go the Fuck to Sleep,” by Adam Mansbach.

As a former lifeguard and babysitter in a suburban town, I am qualified to say that parents unfoundedly worship their children. Most children are not smart, sweet or talented.

Most children are perpetually sticky, loud and greedy. Does this mean they’re not cute?

Well, I don’t think so, but parents will never deviate from this belief much to their children’s detriment.

While managing a pool, I once watched a child literally projectile vomit Cheez-Its all over his mother. He didn’t care. His mom, however, was on the verge of tears, but still acted like her son was the Messiah.

I have been convinced that parents only see their children as the greatest things ever until I discovered the book, “Go the Fuck to Sleep,” by Adam Mansbach.

The book is written and illustrated to look like a children’s book, but the content is adult oriented,

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest

And the creatures who crawl, run and creep.

I know you’re not thirsty. That’s bullsh*t. Stop lying.

Lie the f**k down, my darling, and sleep.

As demonstrated by the above passage, the book focuses on the frustrations of trying to get a child to go to bed. They make up necessities that must be tended prior to sleep: they have to pee, drink water, be read to, say goodnight to the dog, be cuddled with, go look at something, do a somersault off the bed, hurt their necks and cry for 45 minutes.

My go-to-bed-avoidance trick as a child: be convinced for hours that I wouldn’t have nightmares. That was actually a legitimate concern and the possible beginnings of my OCD. I’d lay awake thinking the back porch is what supported our house and that a T-Rex was methodically going to break it, causing our house to roll down the hill and into the creek, leaving us vulnerable to dinosaurs.

Most children are too selfish to have concerns like this.

“Go the Fuck to Sleep” is supposed to keep children from absorbing the brunt of their parent’s anger, though nothing lulls a child to sleep like raw terror and the exhaustion of quivering in fear.

Being that this isn’t a suitable option for most parents, reading Mansbach’s book will lighten parents up and remind them that bedtime avoidance is natural and can be funny when accompanied with expletives and cute pictures.