TIME Magazine accuses 10 species of animal of being evil. I accuse them of being dicks.

TIME says, “Pandas are mean-spirited, mate-abusing, progeny-mauling, deviant monsters.”

I get that TIME Magazine’s thing is rating stuff, but their “Top 10 Evil Animals” piece is pointless, nerdy and more than anything a buzz kill. Humans and pandas are on the list. Lame.

To choose the top 10 evil animals is to imply there are many evil animals, which is to imply God created evil, which is blasphemous and should be the main concern of the article—TIME Magazine says God is Evil.

But if such a list must exist (and it really mustn’t) than it should at least include the animals that are methodical, which, above all else, is the demarcation of evil. These animals would include lions, who kill the babies their mates had with other lions, and dolphins who rape each other and also engage in baby-killing.

I’ve even heard speculation, and I’m trying to find the evidence, that a dolphin wrapped its penis around a woman’s leg and pulled her underwater, drowning her. That sounds really crazy. If anyone has heard of this let me know.

The animals on TIME’s list might cause harm but do so innocently, human’s excluded, and even if these creatures are “evil” they aren’t animals anyone ever really sees. They’re doing ecological damage I suppose, but aren’t animals themselves one of the largest factors of ecology anyway?

These are the “Top 10 Evil Animals”:

10. Asian Carp: When startled they jump into fishermen’s faces and give them black
eyes.
9. The Emerald Ash Borer: The USDA is releasing 150,000 wingless wasps to eat this
(grasshoppers’?) babies. That’s fucked up.
8. Pandas: They are “freakishly large raccoon deviant monsters” with “no will to live.”
7. Tapeworms: They eat your food and make you skinny. I want one.
6. Dingoes: They ate one baby in the 80s, big deal.
5. Locusts: These are the least of Egypt’s problems.
4.Tsetse Flies: Suckin’ blood ain’t no thing.
3. Rats: Are cute!
2. Humans: Are evil but not animals. That’s why were called humans.
1. Bedbugs: Like every publication, TIME should be ashamed for jumping on the
bedbug bandwagon.

TIME Magazine offended me with this list. Soon to come: TIME’s Top 10 Lamest Articles.