National Donut Day: American For ‘We Invent The Coolest Holidays, Period’

Today is National Donut Day, which means Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts are hooking up the free doughnuts! In other news, national obesity is still on the rise. Weird coincidence, or something…

I’m in full support of any holiday involving free things. But at the same time, I’m also suspicious that there’s some conspiracy; something like the one that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were both invented by greeting card companies to rake in dollars from all those lazy, totally un-creative children out there that can’t personally write their own parents one lousy thank you note.

But let me tell you, National Donut Day is the real deal. And I was totally surprised to discover that this day actually has a legitimately old history. We’re talking about a seventy year-old history here. National Donut Day does not fuck around. It’s no National Hat Day or National Popcorn Day. This day is the real deal, America.

And unlike most, you know, official US holidays, the day of the donut doesn’t ask us to give a damn thing. Only to take, and to take for free-ninety-nine. And for all of us ungrateful bastards, there’s no thank you note involved, unless you want to shoot a letter to one of several American donut franchises, if that’s your thing.

And don’t forget that it also probably takes first place as blatantly health-ravaging food holiday of the year, with National Pancake Day at a close second. But that ranking really depends on a few variables, such as amounts of syrup and butter, and the whole range from plain glazed to a jelly-filled bear claw monstrosity.

That last one is the symbol for painful death by heart complications. The Bear Claw. Seriously, be careful with Krispy Kreme. For incentive, watch this really disgusting human being/cop/monster consume way too many donuts way too fast: