Will Mitt Romney Appear In The New ‘Captain Planet’ Movie?

The Cartoon Network announced a new ‘Captain Planet’ movie today. Will the beloved hero and his Planeteers keep fighting his fictional nemeses, or will they take on real-life threats?

Will Mitt Romney Appear In The New 'Captain Planet' Movie?

This is exciting news: the Cartoon Network commissioned a live-action movie starring Captain Planet, the ’90s-era superhero and scourge of polluters everywhere.

According to a press release posted at ComicsAlliance, an executive from Turner Broadcasting, which owns Cartoon Network, said the world needs Captain Planet’s guidance now more than ever.

“The messages of Captain Planet are even more relevant today,” said spokesman Stuart Snyder. “We feel this team can bring the world’s first eco-hero to life in a powerful motion picture that is not only pertinent but entertaining.”

Snyder says they “expect to make a spectacular series of films with the amazing team at Cartoon Network.” A series? That is spectacular.

After I awoke from my rush of blinding excitement at this news, I wondered whether Captain Planet and his team of element-powered teenagers — Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Heart — will continue taking down fictional villains Hoggish Greedly, Duke Nukem and Verminous Skumm, or whether Captain Planet will turn his attention to vaguely veiled versions of the real world’s environmental offenders.

The hero could of course take on Mitt Romney: the Republican recently claimed that carbon emissions don’t cause global warming and therefore doesn’t hurt humans.

“I don’t think carbon is a pollutant in the sense of harming our bodies,” Romney said at a town hall in New Hampshire last Thursday.

This is after Romney said, “I believe the world is getting warmer, and I believe that humans have contributed to that,” and that it’s “important for us to reduce our emissions of pollutants and greenhouse gases,” and despite the government’s National Research Council recent warning, “In order to minimize the risks of climate change and its most adverse impacts, the nation should reduce greenhouse gas emissions substantially over the coming decades.”

Or perhaps Captain Planet can travel back in time and stop the Deepwater Horizon disaster, because we lacked the foresight. Or he could warn the Tennessee Valley Authority that their Watts Bar nuclear plant would become a safety hazard, as CBS News reports.

The mullet-rocking wonder can also explain to viewers how phone manufacturers strip the Democratic Republic of the Congo of their Coltan, a mineral essential to our gadgets, and have subsequently sparked civil wars replete with heinous rape and abuse. Or would that be too intense for Cartoon Network?

Whatever threat Captain Planet and the Planeteers face, I have two requests: please let Captain Planet continue bearing his midriff and wearing those sensible skivvies, and please keep Ma-Ti, the Heart character, gay — oh, you know he was…