FDA Finally Approves Cure for the Hangover Epidemic
A new drug called Blowfish is supposed to help relieve that head-pounding, stomach-turning pray-for-forgiveness hangover in 15 minutes.
Everyone knows the feeling: Your alarm clock rings and you rub your eyes groggily, waking up in a confused daze. Looking around the room you find your clothes scattered along with a couple beer cans. Every inch of your body aches as though you were in an MMA brawl the night before — you can’t even be sure that you weren’t. Your head weighs more than an Acme anvil and your stomach is about ready to quit of the rest of the body. After attacking the Tylenol bottle next to the bed, you eventually make your way to the shower, and while you’re sitting on the floor begging a higher power for relief you swear to never drink again.
Hangovers are amongst the most painful and resilient aliments known to man. They can be utterly debilitating. They can force the strongest men to the brink of tears. Somehow, over the course of thousands of years of excessive drinking no one has figured out a universally accepted remedy to ease the pain. Instead we take a couple aspirin, drink water, eat greasy food and curl up in a ball. It’s a rather pathetic existence. However we may have finally found the help we need to relieve the pain.
The FDA has officially approved an over-the-counter drug called Blowfish, which contains 1,000 milligrams of aspirin, 120 milligrams of caffeine and a stomach-soothing agent in the form of two dissolving tablets. The new drug is taken like Alka-Seltzer and is said to help ease hangover symptoms within a little as 15 to 30 minutes.
“So many people see hangovers as a shameful or embarrassing thing. I think of them as just a fact of life,” said Brenna Haysom, the creator of Blowfish through the West Village-based Rally Labs LLC.
“The magic of the effervescent tablet is that it hits your system much faster than getting a cup of coffee, taking an antacid and taking some aspirin separately,” she said.
The remedy doesn’t give free reign to binge, however. “I definitely don’t encourage people to get obliterated,” warned Haysom, who has been hung up on hangovers since college.
“This is a really effective product for people who have a couple too many: A happy hour that goes a little long, or holiday parties are a perfect example … and they wake up feeling terrible. This gets you functioning again quickly.”
In other words, modern medicine has created another miracle. Finally, we have a cure that could help millions be more productive on Saturday afternoons. It might even make college kids attend more classes, which in turn could make them wiser and harder workers. Hell, this could fix the entire economy.
I have no clue just how effective Blowfish will be or if it’ll be able to alleviate the most painful of hangovers; however it gives us hope that one day we’ll be able to get out of bed the day after crushing eight Jameson shots — that’s the American dream.