Axl Rose and Lana Del Rey are dating because god is dead
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Guns ‘N Roses
frontman Axl Rose is reportedly porking flimsy chanteuse Lana Del Rey. If you’re not already vomiting at the thought of the washed up rocker dating the waifish “Video Games” singer, keep reading.
Yes: it’s true. When Axl Rose was touring for “Appetite for Destruction” his current flame was just about being born. They were spotted leaving the Chateau Marmont hotel in Los Angeles on Saturday night. Vomit. The 25 year age difference is… actually, honestly, fuck it, this is just awful. Hold on. Stop the tape. Just stop the tape. I’m going to just tell it like it is.
Axl. Dude. Just stop. Guns ‘N Roses hasn’t been a band since 1991. That was 21 years ago. You need to let it go, record an acoustic album, and own a winery already. Stop it with the ripped jeans, the fucking facial hair, and the big hats. You had fame and relevance and now it is gone. Get a baseball hat and some slacks. You’re embarassing yourself. Nobody bought “Chinese Democracy,” and nobody likes you anymore with the exception of the nostalgia circuit. Honestly, man, you need to adapt to these times. Watching you is like watching Mickey Rourke in the last ten minutes of The Wrestler.
And Lana. Lana! Where do I even begin? You rode in on a wave of hype so gargantuan that when the album finally dropped it wasn’t just ‘a bad album’ – it was A Bad Album Released By A Major Label Answer To ‘Who Is The Hipster Rihanna’? Your album was literally terrifying to listen to – with more yelps and purring than a burlap sack full of puppies and kittens in the back seat of a car in the garage with the engine running and the doors and windows sealed. Which is to say that kittens and puppies dying would have made a better recording. Lana – you are the singing equivalent of a bagel. There are many like you. Your orchestrated hype, while cloying, is also slick: an epic hatefest on the internet has turned you from “shit singer” to “interesting shit singer.” And now you’ve capped it all off by schtooping Axl Rose?
Axl Rose hasn’t done anything relevant since the early ’90s and Lana hasn’t done anything relevant other than show up to the party, so the coupling actually makes sense in a “when you combine shit and poo in a bag, it’s all shit anyway” sort of way.
Anyway. So they’re apparently dating. The New York Daily News has an item about how Lana has already recorded a song called “Axl Rose Husband” or some shit but I can’t even be bothered to write anything more about it than what I’m doing right now. They shouldn’t be let out of the house. Why can’t fame be a “Hunger Games”-esque fight? Why does anyone still talk about Axl Rose? Shouldn’t we be talking about someone who has actually done something recently? Sure, “Appetite For Destruction” and a handful of tracks from “Use Your Illusion,” but shut the fuck up after that. Christ, can you imagine what Lana and Axl (OMG their names together!!! LANA AND AXL! groooosss) talk about over breakfast? They probably talk about bandanas. That’s probably all they talk about. Lana and Axl. Maybe they’re perfect for each other.
What is fame? Is fame this? Because Lana Del Rey and Axl Rose should not be famous. Fame used to mean that you had done something amazing or at least achieved something. Axl Rose has just “hung out” for 20-fucking-years and Lana hasn’t done anything past “Video Games.” They’re fucking irrelevant. Move to the side of the stage, sweethearts. Bow out now.
UPDATE: TMZ is now reporting that Guns N Roses’ guitarist (yes there is still such a thing) is now saying he doesn’t think Axl and Lana are dating.