Nicki Minaj’s balls-out weird new video for ‘Starships’

Nicki “management problems” Minaj has released a completely whack-ass video with no real vision and no real song behind it; making “Starships” the visual and aural equivalent of a sandpaper condom. What’s worse is that it will probably be a huge song for her, but we should all know better.

Hold on, there’s someone at the door.

ME AT 16: Hey dude.
ME: Oh, hey little guy.
ME AT 16: So you don’t like the new Nicki Minaj?
ME: No, not really.
ME AT 16: Dude. Dude. You’re the same guy that twelve years ago was jamming around your bedroom to The Deftones and Oasis.
ME: I… I know…
ME AT 16: Just because you have this catbird-seat job at Death & Taxes writing snarky things about music doesn’t mean that other people won’t enjoy it. Let’s see here. Look. It’s catchy. You have to admit that.
ME: First off, ‘catbird seat’… what is this, 1950? Also, it is catchy, but for all the wrong reasons.
ME AT 16: What the fuck does that mean?
ME: When you turn 21 you’re going to get into jazz and hardcore bands and all those Television albums. You – 
ME AT 16: Just because a song doesn’t live up to some sort of Mojo-magazine rock critic standard doesn’t mean that it’s not “good.” “Starships” is a big, dumb summer song. It shouldn’t be good, but it has a certain trainwreck quality that makes you want to hear it again.
ME: Really? Weren’t you just concerned with masturbation and trying to make the baseball team at 16?
ME AT 16: True, but substitute “the baseball team” with “The New York Times culture section” or “a Daily Show writing gig” and you’re pretty much the same person.
ME: Damn.
ME AT 16: The point is you can’t hate something just because it stands against what you think is “good.” “Good” means a lot of different things. So let’s take a look at the video again.
ME: She’s dancing around on a spaceship.
ME AT 16: She looks pretty good in a bikini.
ME:
ME AT 16: Ok, I was wrong. The song is sub-par Black Eyed Peas shit but there’s bound to be some 10 year old out there who thinks its the best thing they’ve ever heard.
ME: Can you go back to my subconscious now?
ME AT 16: Sure thing. Oh yeah. Did I ever finish college?
ME: No. You drop out after three years. Oh yeah, 2010 is going to suck, by the way. Just a heads up. And there’s two really weird wars that nobody in America seems to pay attention to even though it financially cripples us.
ME AT 16: Can I borrow that Sports Almanac and take it back to the past?
ME: Sure, little guy.

Anyway. Sorry about that. Where were we? Nicki Minaj’s “Starships” is a clusterfuck of epic proportions that somehow works simply for being so bad: it’s not wildly unlike the kind of waking dream one might get after taking six Ambien and staring into a basket of puppies for five hours. It is neither good nor bad – it just is. There is no whim nor why for this creation, it is neither high nor low art and simply presented to us as is – a video you (literally, for better or worse) can’t ignore for an earworm of a bad song.