Old people: they smell nice and that’s about it

Old people: they’re soft, speckled, confused, and smelly—smelly in a good way. According to the Los Angeles Times, a study that involved people smelling the underarm pads of people ages 75 to 95, 20 to 30, and 45 to 55 (who are these people, and how can I get hired?), uncovered that the elderly smell a lot better than young people.

This might seem contrary to popular belief, but if you really think about it old people only ever stink because they sometimes wear diapers or use weird ointments or are inexplicably crusty, like they leak sap the same way Oaks do.

And young people can be perceived as smelling nice because they’re slutty and put on lots of cologne or perfume and lotion and hair gel and lubricant and get their anuses bleached.

But when it boils down to real gritty, straight-up body juice, the elderly seep nothing but delicate rose-scented mist. My theory is because they’re just riper. Like sun-warmed peaches not yet plucked, but definitely turning brown in some places and likely to die pretty quickly.

Also, have you ever seen an old person eat? They eat two bites of something super plain like boiled chicken or else they’ll die. They also can’t drink anything besides Ensure and probably barely have the will to do that.

Pump some oatmeal and a drop of milk into a person and have them sit in a chair for eight hours a day and I imagine they will smell pretty good.

On the flip side, young people eat and do weird stuff like take picklebacks and eat Indian food and run trains on each other. That’s a big stink fest.

The study also shows that as men grow older, they start smelling more like women, and thank god. A woman deserves her man smelling nice after a lifetime of ball sweat.