Today is the worst day in Florida news history

Florida as a state is a conundrum filled with rich retirees, Disney World, and a cornucopia of lower to middle class citizens who’ve created some of the greatest news stories of 2012. Some serious and some not so serious. The Treyvon Martin case will be looming in our heads for years because of the constitutional ramifications it could have on the state.

However, I like to see Florida in a wackier way. This is the state that brought us the banning of Islamic holidays to fight “cultural jihad,” having sex in a restaurant in front of children, giving Republican National Committee delegates free memberships to a gay bathhouse, and giving out the number to a sex line to help stop a meningitis outbreak. Not to mention face-eating zombies. Which is why it shocks me that this week will go down as probably the most ridiculous week in Florida news history.

Let’s start out with the more serious case. A man shot and killed an African American teen over loud music. You read that right—loud music was the death of this poor man. And not even loud music at a party or at a residence, but at a gas station. 17 year-old Jordan Russell Davis was shot and killed at a gas station in Jacksonville. Michael David Dunn, 45, was with his girlfriend when an altercation broke out because he did not like the loud music the teens were playing. Looks like we are headed for another self defense case because Dunn’s attorney Monday said her client acted responsibly and in self-defense.

Next we move on to a woman who faces charges of throwing a man’s cat out the window and then stabbing him. Tracy Dimasi asked to use this man’s bathroom and then reportedly threw his cat out the window and stabbed him. Maybe the cat was giving her the stink eye. Dimasi was arrested and transported to the Land O’Lakes jail on an aggravated domestic battery charge. I learned two things from this story—do not let anybody in to use the restroom, and that the butter I used for my toast this morning has a jail named after it.

The next story is a tale of a man with only construction boots on just trying to get along with his life. Just kidding, he robbed a 7/11 and stole someone’s car all while in pursuit by the police. Armed with literally just his boots, Abraham Andres Luna, 30, attempted to rob a 7/11 while on holiday in Tarpon Springs. After the burglary the naked man was chased by the police where he did even more damage by sideswiping a police officer’s car.

Stephen Bates, 28, threatened his neighbor with a chainsaw, then was unable to start it. Reports state that bystanders saw the man cursing at his chainsaw as he was unable to get it to start. Kind of hard to threaten someone with a chainsaw that does not work.

This last lesson is to all you young kids getting high off ridiculous legal drugs and computer cleaner. Patrick Henderson was arrested twice in 24 hours for huffing chemicals. He was purchasing dust remover from Targets around the Delray Beach area.

In conclusion, Florida continues to amaze. Remember: this is one of the supposed “swing” states that is important in choosing our president. I can’t wait to see what the rest of 2012 has in store for us.