Just one problem with remaking Joel Schumacher’s ‘Flatliners’

So Niels Arden Oplev (“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”) is directing a remake of Joel Schumacher’s afterlife thriller “Flatliners” for Columbia Pictures. Which sounds pretty doable considering there’s nothing blasphemous about rebooting a forgotten shocker from 1990. Plus, we need more remakes. So, please, do bring it on.

The only issue I’d raise with rehashing Peter Filardi’s script about medical students who experiment with near-death and somehow curse themselves with sins of their past is, who in the hell will top the performance of the little girl with Tourette’s in the original? In the Schumacher version, Winnie Hicks is a grade school classmate of David LaBraccio’s (Kevin Bacon) who returns in hallucinogenic form to bust LaBraccio’s balls — and allows actress Kesha Reed to steal the whole movie. Who knows if the words flying out of her mouth in the sequence below were written by seasoned pen Filardi (“The Craft”) or if Reed, in her sole on-screen performance, improvised.

Why we never saw this kid in another movie again is beyond me. Her schoolyard bully diatribe was so hilarious and demented, maybe her parents decided to ground her for life. Kesha, if you’re permitted Internet access and can read this, know that you absolutely nailed it:

Best of luck to whoever plays the 2014 version of Winnie. Here: I transcribed her 45-second Aristocratic rant below for you young’uns to practice before Oplev’s cattle call:

Hey, fellatio. Got a match? Well I do — your face in my ass! Your breath made of buffalo fart! You don’t know jack shit. Buttwad, needledick, cockbite, jagoff, limpwrist, cornhole, bananabread, shitbird, birdturdturd face, kiss-ass brownnose macho, wimp, limpdick, fartface, turd merchant. What’s a matter, gonna cry? Gonna cry, baby Davey? Cry, cry, cry! Shitface! Rat turd! Asslicking sonofabitch!

[Cinema Blend/’Flatliners’ @ IMDb]