School asks kids to stop wearing so much Axe Body Spray after one hospitalized for exposure

When I was in grade school there were all kinds of things you could bring to school that these days count as illegal contraband. Like peanut butter sandwiches, for instance. So many kids have developed severe allergies that peanut butter is now strictly forbidden at many schools. Freedom High School in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, is now counting Axe Body Spray on list of verboten substances.

Well, sort of—they haven’t exactly banned it so much as implored their kids, for the love of god, to stop wearing so much Axe Body Spray.

AP reports that one of its students was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance with an extreme allergic reaction after exposure to Axe. “This allergy is potentially life threatening for this student,” the school writes on its website, unlike the rest of us, for which it merely threatens our dignity and sense of good taste. The school continues:

Most recently this student has been transported to the hospital by ambulance for emergency medical treatment due to this student being exposed to Axe Body Spray while attending school.

My request to all Freedom Family members is that we take into consideration this student’s allergy to Axe Body Spray and refrain from using it as your cologne or fragrance of choice while attending Freedom High School.

For once a school is offering sound social advice to its students, albeit inadvertently. When I was a kid the pheromone substitute of choice was Drakkar Noir—I doused myself in that crap gratuitously, along with the rest of my class, thinking it would make lascivious junior-high dreams come true. It didn’t, and it never will. Kids, you can take your teachers’ advice on this one: Steer clear of the Axe.