Review: Ray J’s ode to Kim Kardashian’s vagina, ‘I Hit It First’

Late on Friday afternoon, just as I was retiring for the day, a news item popped up on my Twitter feed. It was news that popular R&B singer Ray J had plans to release a song called “I Hit It First”.

Now, if you haven’t heard of Ray J, you are not alone. Ray J, born William Ray Norwood Jr, is the younger brother of Brandy, who had some mainstream success in the mid-to-late 90s helming her own show Moesha for six seasons and releasing two platinum albums. Which is great for her. Her younger brother, however, had a stalled R&B career which caused him to be dropped from Elektra Records in 1997 with neither of his album’s singles going any further than the #25 spot on the Billboard Charts. He then spent several years languishing, presumably, in a mansion.

Around 2003 he met a young socialite by the name of Kim Kardashian, who at the time was married to music producer Damon Thomas. Seemingly unhappy with her marriage, Kim and Ray J hit it off (somehow, although lord knows what the conversation over the breakfast table must have been like—something about hair and money, probably. At some point in 2003 they made a sex tape. Kim divorced Thomas in 2004, and then went on to date other people. In 2007, Ray J released the sex tape just as Kim was becoming more famous thanks to her friendship with then socialite-du-jour Paris Hilton.

So, to recap, two people had sex 10 years ago, and one guy released it 5 years ago so that he could get more famous due to the fact the girl he was having sex with in the video was becoming famous herself simply by being in proximity to someone (Paris Hilton) who was famous herself for simply being born into the right family and being pretty. That is where we’ve evolved to as a populace.

Now – Ray J has released a song in which he describes in detail about how he had sex with Kim Kardashian “first” – despite the resolute and concrete reality which is that she was married at the time of the sex tape being filmed, and, thus, he had not hit it “first”. Ray J – a 32 year old grown-ass man – spent money to release a song about someone he had sex with ten years ago. You know what’s weird? He can vote. Technically he can vote in elections which means that you should vote too because you can cancel out people like Ray J getting anywhere close to deciding anything of importance because this is what he does in his own time (write/record/promote songs about people he fucked ten years ago as if this warmed-over, tepid, and hugely underwhelming rap song was the second coming of Ray Fucking Charles).

The song itself is near tragic in its delivery, offering snippets of Ray J’s subconsciousness, with lyrics like this:

She might move on to rappers and ballplayers
But we all know I hit it first.
I had her head going North and her ass going South
But now baby chose to go West
No matter where she goes or who she knows
She still belongs in my bed.

Somewhere, on a piece of paper in California, are other lyrics to this song… ones that weren’t good enough to go in the song “I Hit It First”. That piece of paper is officially the saddest piece of paper ever to have existed in this plane of reality. This kind of headshaming wallpapermusic about fuckin’ someone famous would be justified if perhaps released by, I dunno, Tyler The Creator, who is, what, 23 or something, and could probably get away with it because of his skater/douche image. But a grown-ass man at 32 who owns a suit? Dude, get a real estate license and move the fuck on with your life.

It’s fair enough that Ray J is terrible and that the song is terrible but it should be mentioned that this is just purely and simply one of the most stupidly sexist songs ever released by an adult in the history of ears. It goes beyond objectifying a woman (an expectant mother at that) and dives head first into objectifying Ray’s dominance OVER ALL OF THE REST OF US because he simply put his penis into a woman, who is now much more famous than he could ever dream of and is probably quite happy with her life. To stand up in front of the entire country of America (the world, maybe?) and say “YEAH? BUT I FUCKED HER FIRST” about a woman who is quite successful and happy is one of the most stupid, childish, ridiculous, and outlandishly, mawkishly vile and sexist things a man could ever do.

Ray J did that. And it is in song form. And he will probably die alone and angry one day. And that’s gonna be OK, because he did shit like this when he was alive.