Mom, you could’ve done worse: 10 terrible kids who make us look great
This Sunday is Mother’s Day. Sometimes it’s hard to show your mother just how much you really appreciate her. So instead, I suggest you just point out other kids who were way worse than you ever were. It’s much cheaper than flowers!
1. Mary Bell
Just a few days before her 11th birthday, Mary Bell– Britain’s most notorious child murderess– strangled and killed four-year-old Martin Brown. Soon after that, she got together with her friend Norma Bell (no relation) and strangled, killed, and mutilated the genitals of 3-year-old Brian Howe. Though her parents were no prize either, you can always remind Mum that the worst thing you were doing when you were 10 was trying to get out of practicing the piano.
2. Anyone who has ever appeared on “My Super Sweet 16″
Remember that time you guys went on vacation and I had a party and my awful friend invited some awful ravers who stole like half of your liquor? TOTALLY COST YOU WAY LESS THAN THIS. My whole childhood probably cost way less than that. Most normal humans (you and I) do not throw hysterics and demand that our parents throw us bajillion dollar gala events to celebrate our birthdays so we can wear tiaras and “feel like a princess.”
3. Damien from The Omen or Regan from The Exorcist
Yep. You were never actually Satan’s spawn or possessed by Satan. Also, you stopped spitting pea soup up everywhere after a year old, so comparatively you were a child prodigy. In fact, you are way better than most children in horror movies. You’ve never controlled a town with your mind like the Children of the Damned, or started a weird cult like religion that worships a dude who lives in a Cornfield. You also never formed a relationship with the static on your television set that necessitated your parents calling in a tiny medium to prevent you from walking into the light. Pretty convenient for them, I’d say.
4. Michelle Smith
This lady. Jeez. So, way back in the ’80s there was this whole moral panic over “Satanic Ritual Abuse”… which turned out to not be a real thing at all. It ended up ruining a lot of lives, particularly The West Memphis Three and those involved in the McMartin Preschool trials.
One of the first instances of this was this lady Michelle Smith whose psychiatrist/husband “helped her remember” that her parents had been in a Satanic cult and abused her in terrible ways like making her have babies and then killing the babies and stuff. Turned out to be a giant hoax, as most of the “recovered memory” stuff did. Remind mom that you never falsely accused her of child abuse or of being in a Satanic cult.
5. Christina Crawford
Ok, even before I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t so sure I believed the abuse allegations, I wasn’t so hot on Christina Crawford. I remember my sister and I watching “Mommie Dearest” as kids, and we were like “Um. We have to write thank-you-notes too, Christina. This is not a big deal.” I mean, even in the movie, where we were supposed to like her, she seemed like an unappealing, horrid, spoiled brat. So, basically, Joan Crawford worked her damned ass off her whole life, was a brilliant actress, and now like, the only thing anyone knows about her is that she hated wire hangers.
Given that you are unlikely to write a tell-all about how terrible your mother is after she’s no longer around to defend herself, she should be pretty pleased with you.
6. Rhoda Penmark From “The Bad Seed”
Rhoda gets her own category apart from the other horror movie children. Because Rhoda wasn’t Satan, she wasn’t possessed by Satan, or the Corn or the TV. Rhoda was just straight up evil. And cutesy evil, too, which is way worse than regular evil. She killed a kid because he won the penmanship award she felt she deserved.
So, hey, maybe you weren’t a Straight A student in school. You could have been a perfect student that killed other students who were better than you were. So there, mom.
7. Josh Phillips
One day, this mom was just trying to do her son a favor and clean his room. She noticed something that looked like a leak in his waterbed and tried to check it out. However, she soon discovered that it wasn’t water, but blood. And also the dead body of Maddie Clifton an 8-year-old girl who had been missing for days.
Well, your room may not have always been ship shape, but no dead bodies!
8. Hillary Swank in this Lifetime Movie I watched last week
I only came in like, halfway through this… but it’s basically about Hillary Swank beating her parents– the Mom from Growing Pains and the Dad from The Wonder Years– up all of the time. There’s a lot of slapping and overacting involved.
With this, you can point out how much better at acting you were in your High School production of “Pirates of Penzance” than anyone was in this movie at any time.
9. Vicky The Robot from “Small Wonder”
If you have nothing else going for you, at least you were a real human child and not a super creepy robot slave. Even though sometimes it may have felt like that’s what your parents wanted- let us all remember that Vicky always ended up screwing shit up in the end. Plus, she started smoking way earlier than you did. AND A ROBOT CAN NEVER LOVE YOU BACK, MOM.
10. The Menendez Brothers
There are few things I am more fond of than reminding my mother how lucky she is to have me, as I am not a Menendez Brother. Lyle and Erik Menendez are basically the trump card in all “I am not the worst child anyone ever had” arguments. Can’t do worse than killing your parents, amirite? Point, you.