7 supposedly sexy things that are totally un-sexy

I consider myself a sex-positive person, but that does not mean that I do not think some shit is just hilarious.

1. Flavored Lube


Flavored lube is such a sex store staple that I don’t think anyone ever takes the time to really think about it. So, think about it for a second. ┬áTake a moment to really ponder the logistics of flavored lube. What sense does flavored lube even make? Your genitals don’t have taste buds, and if it’s your mouth that’s involved… why does anything need lubrication?

2. Beds Covered in Rose Petals


The ruination of perfectly good sheets aside, what is the actual appeal of this? Like, besides it being something that happens a lot on soap operas? I have to wonder about the kind of people who are so fraught with cliche that they do this type of thing in real life. I imagine they are intolerable.

This particular bed is even worse because it is clearly a death trap. Have a romantic evening, and then DIE IN A FIRE. What a way to go!

3. Edible Underwear

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I have always been curious about the inventor of edible underwear. Like there was some dude sitting around one day thinking “Hmmm. Oral sex is a swell time, but what if there were more Fruit Roll-Ups involved somehow?” Granted, it’s usually a gag gift, but there have to be people who think it’s like, the ultimate in sexxxytime, probably.

The thing about edible underwear is that it can never be an impetuous surprise. You cannot just happen to have edible underwear on under your clothes and then seductively whisper that you have them on to your date. They would get linty and weird. No, you’d have to wait til you got home, and then be like “Hold on a moment, let me slip into something more comfortable” and then come back wearing a Fruit Roll-Up on your junk and be like “Ta-da!,” which seems awkward. It also seems like a fairly unsatisfying time for all parties involved.

4. Disembodied Dick Pic Sexts


I don’t think dudes are so much aware, but a random picture of your dick really doesn’t do a lot for most of us. It’s more like “Yep, that sure is a penis that’s not here right now. Can’t do much about that. Welp.”

5. Making a dress out of Saran Wrap


Ok, this is kind of old school, but I always thought it was funny. Back in the day, an anti-feminist, Evangelical Christian lady named Marabel Morgan wrote this crazy ass book about pleasing one’s husband called “The Total Woman.” In it, she suggests that you greet your husband when he comes home wearing a dress made out of Saran Wrap. Which is just awesome because it’s like, Penthouse Variations meets Good Housekeeping or something.

Personally, I have enough trouble using Saran Wrap to cover leftovers and not getting it all tangled up in itself. I feel like it would take a while to manage a whole dress, and by then you’d be pretty annoyed about being wrapped in Saran Wrap, probably.

6. The Goddamned Cosmo Donut Thing


Ever since the dawn of time, or at least since I was in High School, Cosmo has been on a mission to make eating donuts off of penises happen. Granted, we are talking about a magazine that publishes 100 entirely unappealing sex tips a month (every issue is the SEXY issue), so we can forgive them for the occasional repeat… but this one has been a mainstay as long as I can remember. No one knows why. It makes no sense- for one, donut holes are pretty miniscule. For two… just no. No one wants to do this or to have it done to them. Ever. It is a poor idea altogether, crumbs in the bed aside.

7. Leaving dudes notes that say you’re not wearing any underwear


This is another Cosmo mainstay, but it was probably *more* of a thing back before sext messaging. They always suggested hiding notes in your gentleman lover’s wallet or something that said things like “I’m not wearing any underwear! Teehee!” Which A) Could lead to a totally embarrassing time for the unfortunate fellow and B) Sure, you’re maybe not wearing underwear, but how does that help anyone who is not present at the time? I guess this could work if you’re dating someone who is either really dumb or has no sense of humor, but I don’t know why you’d want to do that in the first place.