21 predictions for FYF Festival 2013

This year’s FYF Festival in downtown Los Angeles has one of the best lineups of any festival in years for a fraction of the price of its overcrowded, summer-bookend counterpart, Coachella. With such a dream list of performers announced over three months before the festival, the excitement of those two dust-filled days in LA State Historic Park is already fucking with my imagination.

Here are my predictions for what seems to be the sleeper-hit blockbuster festival of summer:

  • A minimum of forty people will overheat and pass out from either A) Becoming too aroused during Solange’s set or B) Taking too much acid during Dan Deacon’s.
  • The park grounds will still consist entirely of dirt and some chalk-like substance.
  • My Bloody Valentine will effectively drown out any band, from any stage, that overlaps with their performance. Any children on indie-elder partents’ shoulders will undoubtedly bleed from their ears; possibly acquire super-powers.
  • You will make out with someone. They will have dirt in their mouth. Or a chalk-like substance.
  • Yeah Yeah Yeahs will frighten a hoard of teenagers to tears.
  • The upper age bracket will have an 86% intensely meaningful, time transposition experience rate, partly due to purchasing leftover LSD from fried Dan Deacon fans, while attending any of the following: MBV, The Breeders, The Melvins, Jonathan Richman.
  • Devendra Banhart will go largely unnoticed by civilians, but not celebrities.
  • MGMT will go largely unnoticed by everyone.
  • The Orwells will get kicked out for underage drinking (and most likely sneak back in).
  • Joyful thrashing and bruising to occur with: Death Grips, Thee Oh Sees, Kurt Vile, The Orwells.
  • Easily score-able Molly and erotic vibes with: How To Dress Well, Delorean, Les Savy Fav, Toro Y Moi.
  • The above two groups shall meet afterwards for a cacophonous bone-sesh yielding sensual punk children that will headline FYF 2033.
  • Low-billed acts like Mikal Cronin and Ty Segall will be worth getting their early for.
  • You will see your ex gyrating to !!!.
  • From a mix of alcohol, drugs, exhaustion, and the possibility of heat stroke, you will have a ridiculously transcendental experience during Beach House that urges you to find your ex and reconnect. Continuing through this high, fighting your way through the stages to find him/her, you will have another transcendental experience during Deerhunter and decide to be alone instead. You will thank Deerhunter in the morning.
  • Foxygen and MGMT will run into each other backstage and become infinitely perplexed as they gaze into their pasts and futures existing concurrently.
  • TV On The Radio have probably “been up to something.”
  • I’ve never heard of this band here, Poolside, but judging by their name and their promotional photo let’s throw this set into the “good break for a beer” pile. [the author has not, and will not, conduct any research for this opinion]
  • Crystal Antlers will struggle to stay relevant.
  • You can basically see Black Flag.
  • Did you hear me? You can basically see Black Flag.