Courtney Stodden has a sex tape and you cannot see it

No, you cannot. It is private. It’s something special Courtney Stodden shares only with her stretchy mutant serial killer lover, 50-something-year-old Doug Hutchinson. As much as the thought of this turns you on, it is something you will never get to witness for yourself.

Just know that it exists and that it was filmed sometime after August, and that you will never experience its grandeur. Despite the fact that it would definitely be the sexxxiest thing that has ever existed in the whole entire universe.

I will give you a moment to cry softly to yourself.

Stodden told E! Online that the tape is a “solo performance” and not even on her computers, saying “Hackers, don’t even go there cause you’ll find nothing.” You hear that, hackers who desperately want to feast their eyes upon the sheer majesty that is Courtney Stodden sexing herself? You will not find anything, so don’t even try.

As for what is on the tape? “I don’t want to put any images in people’s mind; I’m gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want,” says Stodden, wistfully imagining that most people are fond of visualizing her Plasticine face whilst they pleasure themselves.

When asked about her plans to pose for Playboy, Stodden said that she hasn’t sent them any pictures yet, but that she has posed recently for a UK magazine and believes it is possible to do naked pictures that are also classy and tasteful. Like this one, where she got nekkid with a fake corpse.

Courtney Stodden has a sex tape and you cannot see it

However, despite the fact that we cannot see real Courtney Stodden porn, we can always satiate ourselves with her delightful… um, comedy stylings?

It may work for you, if that is what you are into. In fact, when I was just watching it now, my dear friend and Death and Taxes co-worker, Ned Hepburn, kept asking me if I was watching weird Japanese porn. So there’s that.

For the record, I also do not plan on releasing a sex tape ever. Which I think is true for most people.