Joe Francis thinks the jury that convicted him should be euthanized

Joe Francis may have asked Stephen Galloway of The Hollywood Reporter not to make him look crazy, but that’s kind of an impossible task given that this is the kind of thing he is prone to say out loud, in front of people and on camera:

The whole interview is freaking amazing, and you should totally read it. Here are some of the best, most delusional, narcissistic quotes from the whole thing.

In regards to his conviction for the sexual assault and kidnapping of three women:

“I want that jury to know that each and every one of you are mentally¬†f–ing¬†retarded and you should be euthanized because, as Darwin said, you have naturally selected yourself,” he shouts. “You are the weakest members of the herd. Goodbye! And if that jury wants to convict me because I didn’t show up, which is the only reason why they did, then, you know, they should all be lined up and shot!”

Yes. That is what Darwin said. You have naturally selected yourself, and now you should be lined up and shot. That is how evolution works, don’t ya know.

On people who serve on juries:

“The problem with the jury system is that anyone who’s not smart enough to come with an excuse to get out of jury duty doesn’t get out,” he continues. “Only the stupidest of the stupidest people end up on juries, you know? I’ve never met a smart person who’s done jury duty.”

Eh, I’ll give him this one. I usually get out of jury duty by explaining my political leanings and feelings on the United States Prison System until they beg me to get out of there and go home.

“You know why I’ve been criticized, why I’ve been brutalized?” he says. “Anybody who criticizes me, anybody who — it’s just a jealous guy. Everybody who says, ‘Oh, Joe Francis is this’ — look at their penis and tell me if it’s small. Tell me!”

And how about the size of his own, um, manhood? He laughs gleefully. “It’s been widely reported my penis is huge, but look, I have nothing to prove”

Here is a true fact of life that I have learned from watching far too many episodes of “The Maury Povich Show” and the various Real Housewives franchises. Only completely insane and terrible people blame their problems on other people being jealous of them. I’m trying to think of people I am actually jealous of, and none of them have any major life problems as a result of that. I am totally envious of Sarah Vowell and Megan Ganz and the fact that Fran Lebowitz wrote “Metropolitian Life” when she was younger than I am now, and not once have I sent any of those people to prison. In fact, I just really want to be friends and have cocktails and brunch with them sometime. Maybe braid each other’s hair and talk about boys.

The best part though… the absolute frickin’ best part, is an older quote about the time he spent in prison awaiting trial for charges of child abuse:

He noted in his complaint that his story was the kind “Nina Simone sang about; William Faulkner wrote about it; historians teach about it.”

Because now we can adjust all the Nina Simone songs and Faulker titles to make them about Joe Francis!

  • As I Lay Kardashians
  • The Sound and The Fury… of SPRING BREAK 2002!!!!! WOOO!!!! South Beach!
  • A Nude Pose for Emily
  • Intruder in The Ass
  • If I Forget Thee… Because of Roofies
  • To Be Young, Gifted and Topless
  • Four Women (no change necessary)
  • I Shall Be (Manually) Released
  • It Might As Well Be Spring Break