Joe Francis issues amazing non-apology for calling jurors ‘retarded’

Stand-up guy Joe Francis is really disappointed in The Hollywood Reporter for totally manipulating the things he said about sending all those “retarded” jurors to the death squads. And he is totally sorry about the fact that people think he said all those mean things about the jurors and such.

See, what obviously happened was that the interviewer was like “Hey, Joe Francis! Let’s do an experiment where you do an impression of what you think the most terrible person ever would say in this situation!” and then Joe Francis played along because he is a good sport. After all, he is a fun guy who made a lot of money off of convincing drunk girls to take their tops off and yell “Woo!” But then, the mean reporter pretended that those were Joe Francis’ real words and feelings and such. Obviously.

Anyway, here is his (non)apology press release in all it’s glory:

To everyone:

“I deeply regret  the remarks attributed to me  in the interview with the Hollywood Reporter. They were hurtful and do not reflect my true feelings. While I disagree with the jury’s verdict as I am completely innocent of the charges and intend to appeal, I was afforded a fair trial, and if I lose at the appellate level, I will reluctantly but fully accept the jury’s verdict.

This was a 6 hour interview with the Hollywood reporter where I detailed to the reporter all of the evidence and why I believed the evidence showed I am 100% innocent The reporter also interviewed my attorney David Houston for over 3 hours, but failed to include one shred of evidence from the trial that proved beyond a reasonable doubt my innocence. I did NOT commit a crime at all whatsoever. All that was publicized were my most intemperate remarks that were borne out of frustration but with no intent to cause anyone harm. I am not, nor have I ever been a violent person.

My comments are appalling, but anyone who has ever been wrongfully convicted of a crime that they did NOT commit would be as frustrated as I am. I want to apologize to all the jurors, the court, the City Attorney and my attorneys  for my comments that were manipulated by the media, and please know I am truly ashamed of my conduct. I am truly, truly sorry. I hope everyone will understand I was not being serious and that I fully and deeply apologize for my remarks.

- Joe Francis

Whether or not Francis intends to actually show up to this new and somehow more “fair” trial, no one knows. He could be busy that day or something and end up with a totally unfair trial all over again.