Dolphin-assisted birth is definitely the worst idea ever

There are lots of things dolphins are qualified to do– frolic gaily in the water, pose for Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers, dangle from navel jewelry, fight in the Ukranian army with laser beams attached to their heads, or even escape a doomed planet:

Dolphins, however, are not qualified to be your frickin’ doula. Despite this, some people are trying to make dolphin birth a thing. Specifically the sort of people who sport white-people dreads and plan to name their child “Bodhi.”

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Heather and Adam Barrington, pictured above, were recently profiled in the Charlotte Observer regarding their plans to go to Hawaii so that Heather might give birth amongst the dolphins. Because they think dolphins are magical or something. They say they were inspired by a book called  “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” by Drunvalo Melchizedek, which I can barely believe is a real thing or person.

The Sirius Institute– an organization dedicated to the “dolphinization” of the human race– will be arranging the blessed event. You can tell they’re totes legit due to their sweet Geocities style website, which is filled with gems like this one:

Two major goals of the Sirius Institute are to Dolphinize the Planet and to Humanize Space. Dolphinization is the raising of the consciousness of humans to the level of the dolphins and to integrate the Cetacea (dolphins and whales) into the cultures of the Earth.

When this is achieved, we will have a planet with two major sentient species in harmony and cooperation. We and the Cetacea have been, and can become again … Co-species.

Now, I am not usually one to judge. I resent people for judging me for the fact that I do not want to swim with dolphins, like somehow that makes me a total jerk or something. However, here is the thing– dolphins are not exactly the gentle mammals of the sea these people make them out to be. They’re wild animals, and like wild animals often are, they can be dangerous.

In fact, dolphins are like, the rapiest gentle mammals of the sea ever. They rape like, 14 people a year on average. There you are, swimming with the dolphins, getting in touch with the wonderful majesty of nature, and before you know it you are being dragged down to a secret dolphin rape cave where these gentle creatures will sexually assault you as you drown. And sure, you’re like- whatever, dolphins have flippers, flippers cannot drag anyone anywhere– you could easily escape! But they do not drag you down to the dolphin rape caves by their flippers, they drag you down with their giant dolphin penises. Their prehensile dolphin penises.

And then you die and your funeral is really awkward, because everyone is like “Oh, she was such a great humanitarian, such a great lover of nature! Too bad she died while getting brutally raped by the gentle mammals of the sea.” Even if you survive, how do you even begin explain to people why you have a PTSD freak-out every time a “Flipper” re-run pops up on TV Land?

So, hey, swimming with dolphins is not exactly not dangerous. I’m going to guess that having a baby while surrounded by frickin’ dolphins is extra dangerous, because hello, blood in the frickin’ water. Have these people not seen “JAWS”?

Anyway, it’s entirely likely that the couple won’t even end up doing this anyway. The Sirius Institute has been offering New Agers the chance to have their babies with dolphins for years now, and although some have actually gone as far as to travel to Hawaii for the opportunity, exactly zero have gone through with it.