And now James Franco would like you to give him some money please

Surprise, fans of giving money to people with more money than you! James Franco now has an Indiegogo crowd-sourcing campaign to fund his new film project!

Yes. James Franco, who is worth at least $20 million dollars, would like you, the people, to give him money so that some former NYU film students can make three feature films based on three of his stories from “Palo Alto,” a book he wrote about his high school days. Doesn’t that sound appealing and not at all exhausting? And also like it would add a lot to the world? Isn’t that something you’d like to see realized on film? Probably, because it does seem as though James Franco is only in about 60% of the movies out this year, and I know we would all like to see more of him.

I don’t know about you, but I have had actual nightmares wherein I am forced to make small talk with James Franco, while he tries to tell me about how awesomely deep he is. He seems like the kind of guy that would want to tell you about how he went on a Native American spirit quest and met his spirit animal, a jackal named Fred who told him the meaning of life, only he can’t tell you what that is because you are not spiritually developed enough to handle it just now. Then, he would probably read you his poetry and want to talk to you about what you think his dreams symbolize, and meanwhile you would fantasize about sticking an ice-pick in your eye-socket because the only way you could continue that conversation would be if you had a lobotomy.

However, that’s not why this is objectionable. It’s objectionable for the same reasons all the other damn celebrity Kickstarters are objectionable. It’s gross to ask people who have less money than you do to fund your stupid vanity projects. Sure, unlike Zach Braff and Zosia Mamet, Franco pledges to donate the profits from the film to a charity. That’s pretty cool, but still, dude has $20 million dollars, and should maybe consider funding the project of someone less prominent and with less money than himself before asking for money for his things.

I’m not saying there aren’t any celebrity Kickstarters I would support. I would gladly donate funds to an organization that would provide any celebrity asking the plebes for money with the complete works of Jonathan Kozol, who writes about childhood poverty. As a child, whenever I acted like a spoiled, entitled brat, I was required to read aloud either from “The Diary of Anne Frank” or from Kozol’s “Amazing Grace”, until I realized what an ass I was being.

I would also support something that actually would have actually have trouble getting funded in the first place: for instance, a movie with some freaking women in it, particularly if they were not all skinny rich white women. Apparently, we don’t have too much of that this summer, and this is now a problem. I sincerely doubt Franco’s project would pass the Bechdel Test.

I may be alone in this, but if I’m going to give money for something, I’d rather it not go to three feature films about the life of James Franco. I don’t think I even want that to exist in the first place.