Somebody is pooping in Yale’s laundry room

First, it was a mysterious squirrel genocide, and now, someone is pooping in the dryers in Yale’s laundry room. And the community is in hysteria. According to the Yale Daily News:

“In the late evening of Sept. 7, Lucy Fleming ’16 opened the dryer in the Saybrook College laundry room to an unpleasant surprise.

Her clothes were soiled with human feces, and it took the physical delivery of the excrement to the Saybrook Master’s Office to catch administrators’ attention.

In the past several weeks, an unknown individual or group, who students have dubbed the ‘poopetrator,’ has repeatedly defecated in students’ laundry, leaving many fearful about the safety of their clothes. After an additional episode was reported on Sept. 26, Saybrook Master Paul Hudak announced that Yale Police has officially joined the investigation and is seeking further information

“I simultaneously wanted to throw up, cry and punch someone,” Fleming said.”

But who could be doing this? It seems highly likely that the poopetrator isn’t from Yale, because everyone knows that Yale students don’t poop. They just hold it deep inside themselves, for their entire lives. Hopefully the suspect will be brought to swift justice soon.