Ted Cruz chats with God, gets thumbs-up on shutdown

For those of you who might have been worried about the horrendous clusterfuck Ted Cruz has brought upon our once great nation, you can now rest easy knowing that it has all been “God’s will.” Yes, Ted Cruz had an exclusive chat with the well known yet often reclusive deity over the weekend and has been assured that “his will be done as I know it will be.”

It’s true. God, who has not been heard from directly for about 2,000 years, broke his legendary silence on political matters,  to tell Ted Cruz how great it is that he’s fighting against poor people getting health care. We can only imagine how much he must have disapproved of his son, just running around curing poor folks of leprosy without even charging them a deductible.

However, the 6,000-year-old deity is known for his whimsical pranks– like telling people to kill their sons for him, and then yelling “psych!” just when they’re about to go through with it. It’s possible that that he or she was being entirely sarcastic and that Ted Cruz just did not pick up on it. He may have been speaking in Hebrew and nuance can often be lost in translation.

The psychologist Thomas Szasz once said “If you talk to God, you’re praying. If God talks back to you, you’re schizophrenic.”  While there is no hard evidence pointing to Ted Cruz actually suffering from schizophrenia, it is also possible that he is, in fact, just totally full of shit.

At the time of this publication, God could not be reached for comment.