Hump Day: sex show shutdown, boning 1,000 cars and more

Welcome to Hump Day, a weekly column which collects stories and news related to sex, dating, romance and the like. Each story’s sexiness is rated on a scale of 6 to 9. Get it?

Rihanna accidentally forces police in Thailand to close down a sex show
Citizens of Thailand must be so sick of Rihanna. Everywhere she goes, cops follow. Well, more like everywhere she goes, she alerts social media about it, and then cops follow. Riri was in Phuket and tweeted about seeing a “ping pong show” that blew her mind. The tweet reads: “Either I was phuck wasted last night, or I saw a Thai woman pull a live bird, 2 turtles, razors, shoot darts and ping pong, all out of her pu$$y.” Before I go further, did Rihanna intentionally make a Phuket pun or is that really how she spells the f-word?

Rihanna’s tweet was brought to the attention of the 32 million people who follow her, and in turn to the Phuket police–who suddenly felt like they had to do their job or something. These kind of wild sex shows are nothing new in Thailand, and are a popular event for Western tourists to watch. So, yes, as usual, we’re part of the problem. Even though they’re illegal, police officers are often paid under the table to act like they don’t even know what a ping pong ball is, let alone a vagina. The women performing at these notorious shows tend to be trafficked and forced to work in the industry. For little pay they’re forced to stuff animals inside them, and shoot objects out of their vagina so men can point, and laugh, and be aroused all at the same time. I don’t know, none of this makes sense to me.

Rihanna probably did not know the show she attended was illegal, and probably does not care. She really just wants everyone to know she saw a bird come out of a pu$$y.

Number on the sexy scale: 7. Rihanna may have been joining in on the sick amusement of a horrible show, but at the end of the day she helped shut it down. Way to go?

Man who boned nearly 1,000 cars settles down with “the one”
Edward Smith is a self-professed “mecaphile,” meaning he gets sexually aroused by machines. For 48 years he has been sleeping around with a wide plethora of transportation vehicles. You name it, from tart little hot rods to any old Oldsmobile, Edward Smith would bang them all. Now, after 999 sexcapades with Escalades (as well as Porsches, and even a helicopter once) he has decided to settle down with a sweet VW Beetle named Vanilla.

Okay so maybe settle down isn’t the best way to put it, since he admits to still having the occasional fling here and there with an Opel GT named Cinnamon, and a Ford Ranger named Splash. “Some guys look at boobs and bums on beautiful women,” he said. “I look at the front and rear on beautiful cars.”

Honestly, I find this all to be quite wonderful and amazing. You should just see the way he embraces Vanilla. The way he kisses her gently and whispers sweet nothings in her tail pipe. It’s all very romantic. I’m almost jealous.

Number on the sexy scale: 8. If Hollywood turns his life story into a romantic comedy, it should be called “Cars 3.”

Study says breast implants might improve your sex life
**EXCLUSIVE** **FIRST BIKINI PICTURES** Heidi Montag shows off her new beach body in a self-designed bikini
Did you hear that ladies? Society is pressuring you to have big fake breasts, not for the selfish pleasure of horny men but for your own selfish sexual pleasure. At least that’s what some researcher in Brazil–who also happens to be a plastic surgeon–says. Dr. Paulo Guimaros questioned 45 women before they had their breast augmentations and had them assess the quality of their sex life. He then gave them the same exact questionnaire two months after the surgery, and again four months after, and 18 months after.

Out of the 45, nine unlucky women developed stretch marks on their breast. Researchers noted that these women did not have an improved sex life because their breasts continue to be a disgrace to society. Can you believe they even bothered having sex after such a travesty? The other 36 women on the other hand, reported improved levels of arousal and greater sexual satisfaction.

Psychologists have mixed feelings as to why these results are what they are. Tomi-Ann Roberts, a professor of psychology at Colorado College says, “When we have exerted a great effort, spent a great deal of money and effort and time on something, we tend to justify that effort.” So I think it’s more like these women have deluded themselves into thinking everything is better after breast implants.

Spending all that money was worth it, because now sex with my husband is amazing even though he is still the same selfish lover he always was, and still calls my vagina “Groucho.” He initiates love-making by offering Groucho a fresh new cigar (his penis is the cigar, obviously). My husband is an idiot. No wait, I couldn’t be happier! Who am I kidding? I don’t even know what a Groucho is. I’m a 28-year-old Brazilian woman.

Number on the sexy scale. 7.5