The most ridiculous, unnecessary and overpriced items on Oprah’s favorite things list

Ok, so every year Miss Oprah puts out a list of all of her favorite things, and then many suburban rich ladies run out and buy as many of those things as they can. At least, that is what I gather happens. I guess Oprah is supposed to have super awesome taste in things, but upon a review of these “favorite things,” I must confess that I am kind of horrified. Let’s discuss!

Present Cake, $79


First of all, fondant is gross. Second of all, this cake is $79! What kind of cake is $79? All that is fancy about this cake is that it’s in the shape of a present, and apparently has “salted caramel” filling. Because it ┬ácosts a lot of money to put salt in caramel stuff? For $79 you could get three glorious pies from Hoosier Mama, the most glorious pie place in all the world, and still have money left over!

Urban MuuMuu, $128


AN URBAN MUUMUU. I repeat. An urban muumuu. Which is probably meant to be worn with an urban sombrero (we hope!) and paper slippers. Also, it is pastel pink, which is gross, and makes you look like “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.” If you’re going to go muumuu, at least go full-on Mrs. Roper muumuu.


A Freaking Candle, $225


Gayle loves this candle because it smells like Christmas! I hate this candle because now I am sitting here thinking about the fact that there is a market for $225 candles. And I like candles! I try to get them on sale, but every once in a while I’ll get a nice Seda France Rhubarb Pear Candle for $36, because it’s literally the best smelling thing in the whole world. But $225? You could buy a whole guitar for that, probably. Not an especially fancy one, but you could definitely find one in that price range. Candles and guitars should be in totally different price categories, IMHO. Even if I were Oprah-rich, I think I would find this ridiculous.

Headbands, $90


They have headbands that look exactly like this at Walgreens. For maybe 8 American dollars. Also, these kinds of headbands always break, which is why I stopped buying them.

Qooq Kitchen Tablet, $399


Ok, so it’s a tablet, it costs as much as a tablet, only unlike other tablets, it just has recipes on it. You know what else has recipes on it? The whole rest of the internet! Any tablet you own already is a kitchen tablet! This is probably the least necessary item in all the world.

These super hideous jackets, $128


Looking for something to go with your Vera Bradley purse that says “I own a large quantity of Anne Geddes prints of babies dressed as cucumbers”? Then this jacket is for you. These are cheap in price, but expensive in dignity.

Oprah and Deepak Chopra’s Meditation Master Trilogy, $100


Deepak Chopra is king of the quacks. Seriously. He’s terrible and completely full of shit. He is not going to help you meditate your way to perfect health, perfect relationships, or anything else.

There are a tooooon more things on the list, but these are definitely my favorites. Especially the Urban MuuMuu. I also plan to put together a list of my own favorite things for tomorrow, which will be way better than Oprah’s favorite things, and then I can start on building my own empire.