Bro-App, the app for bros who want to do bro things instead of texting their lame girlfriends

Are you a bro? Is your lame girlfriend always texting you when you are trying to do cool bro things with your bros, like playing that game where you throw ping-pong balls into cups of beer, listening to Dave Matthews, enjoying the comedy stylings of Dane Cook, chanting the word “beer” a lot, going to the Weiner Circle, throwing toga parties or using the word “bro” neither ironically nor as an insult?

Well, first of all, congratulations on being a person I thought was largely fictional, and thank you for having so thoroughly avoided me lo these many years. Second of all, there is an app for you now, that you can use to send your girlfriend automated “sweet texts” so you don’t have to take five seconds out of your bro-time to actually text her something complicated like “How was your day?”

I would think that if you are in a relationship where texting someone “How was your day?” is a drain on you, that you should probably break up. Then again, I am clearly not a bro. Also, I would think that after a few days I would probably catch on to the fact that something was up if a dude kept texting me “How was your day?” and then not responding to anything after that. Then again, I am not dating a bro.

Here are some of the possible, totally non-fake sounding messages you can choose from!


Is “darl” a thing? I have literally never heard anyone call anyone that. Also, the word “babe” makes me want to die a thousand deaths in my face. It is only acceptable when talking about talking pigs or David Bowie’s performance in “Labyrinth.” Other than that, it is heinous and makes you sound like AC Slater in the worst way humanly possible.

The other weird thing about this app is the fake list of contacts, which, oddly, includes not only Arnold Schwarzenegger and Doge, but also Australian feminist Germaine Greer and fictional witch Hermione Granger.


Which makes me think that this app is like, a secret lady weapon that will automatically send texts to a bro’s girlfriend telling her what a terrible douche he is.

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