Buffalo is banning Bon Jovi

Bon Jovi is currently “Wanted Dead or Alive” in the city of Buffalo, New York. Not long after the death of Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson in March, the Toronto Sun confirmed reports that Jon Bon Jovi joined the bidding process to take over the Bills. Bon Jovi’s plan would involve moving the franchise to Canada.

Bills fans reacted like any deranged group of super fans would: “This aggression will not stand, man.” A quote form The Big Lebowski, but it might as well have been a Buffalo Bills fan, or John Candy in Canadian Bacon, or Patton Oswalt in Big Fan, or really, any lonely dingbat who cares this much about meaningless shit and so very little about pleasing his wife.

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The aging rocker’s link to a Toronto-based developer looking to move the Bills to Canada managed to piss off an entire city, and rather than behaving rationally, Bills fans (members of the “12th Man Thunder group“) enacted a political campaign and asked bars in the area to ban Bon Jovi songs from being played by cover bands, DJs, etc. “Bon Jovi Free Zones” are now sweeping across the city, with goofy signs being handed out to any bar that participates.

While this makes no sense to say, anyone outside of Western New York (or maybe Chicago, where “Da’ Bears” are still a thing) the super fans have convinced 28 business owners to ban Bon Jovi’s music–which hasn’t been relevant since like, when the Bills were in the fucking Super Bowl.

And this, folks, is why “they” hate us overseas. We’re campaigning to ban hair metal in spots bars, while war, poverty, global warming and Republicans destroy everything.

CHARGERS v BILLS

Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys and probably one of the most hated men in Buffalo  (remember Super Bowl XXVIII?), loves the idea:

“Jon Bon Jovi is first class,” said Jones, endorsing Bon Jovi as a potential team owner during the NFL’s spring owners meeting.

The “12th Man Thunder” group says nearly 4,000 people have signed an online petition to help keep the Bills in Buffalo. At the same time, Bon Jovi’s music seems to be “Livin’ on Prayer” in local bars, where Bills fans congregate on NFL Sundays to suck on beer-drenched hot wings and forget about the sad reality of living in Western New York–where winning is foreign and more energy is spent on banning cheesy hair metal than, say, leaving Western New York.