Florida woman named Crystal Metheney fires missile at car

Florida crimes have long been the internet’s answer to Mad Libs. Slap together a wacky individual in an act with an object that has no reason being in the everyday American life and, boom, you’ve got yourself some kind of O. Henry short story on crack, more times than not with a scatological twist.

Such was the case with a 36-year-old woman named Crystal Metheney, who packed some major ammo on the open road last month. According to a report from the Polk County Sheriff’s Department (above), Crystal Meth fired a “missile” into “an occupied vehicle” on May 5. She was held on a $5,000 bond.

The report did not elaborate just what sort of missile was used–whether a weapon of mass destruction, a bottle rocket or snot rocket. Only deep cover officials in Polk County have this answer.

Guyism’s Cass Anderson noted that this may very well in fact be “the most Florida thing to happen in the history of Florida.” And that, even in an age where hyperbole is more acceptable than ever, might be the most accurate thing I’ve read all day.

Take a look at our round-up of the “sexiest” Florida crime stories from 2013 and judge for yourself.

h/t Guyism