Megachurch to close after pastor called women ‘penis homes’

Washington Evangelical Church Mars Hill is closing several of its 15 Pacific Northwest locations after a variety of bad press about, and misconduct from its founder, Pastor Mark Driscoll.

This is not your ordinary bad press. In fact, this isn’t even just heathens like me being unfamiliar with the Traditional Christian Ways of the especially holy. This is a dude who told a congregant to apologize to her abusive husband for “failing to bend to his will” by getting on her knees before him and praying, and then giving him a blow job. For serious. I may not be religious, but I am 100% sure that is not the reason I find this appalling.

Driscoll has also been accused of mishandling church funds and essentially behaving as a dictator and never allowing anyone to challenge him about anything.

In addition to that, he also has some swell ideas about sex organs.

The first thing to know about your penis is, that despite the way it may see, it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.

While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in. Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.

I am gonna go ahead and say this is weird for everyone–men and women alike. I am reasonably sure that dudes don’t want to think of their dick as some kind of itinerant hobo God is lending them, as much as we don’t want to think of our vaginas as “penis homes.”

Unsurprisingly, Driscoll also used this genius analogy to explain why it is wrong for men to masturbate or be gay, because of said hobo dicks.

Therefore, if you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not. And, though women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man’s home. And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.

Logic! Unassailable logic. Although I really hope he does not have an analogy involving Mulligan Stew, because gross.

These passages, written by Driscoll under a pseudonym in 2001, were discovered by feminist blogger Libby Anne and posted on her blog on Patheos. Although they are not the explicit reason the church is closing, they are pretty much the icing on the cake.