$68 sticks and more at the Free People Spirituality Shop

I have always said that Free People reminds me of a ’90s era hippie shop of the sort that sold a lot of broomstick skirts, incense and tarot cards– except, you know, 10 times more expensive. Now, it seems, they’re really leaning into that with the concept of an online “Spirituality Shop.” Which may not be new, I don’t know, it’s not like I’m keeping tabs on the Free People website or anything. But it sells a lot of crystals and dreamcatchers and tarot cards and pretty much all the sticks you can handle.

But yeah. It is a “Spirituality Shop.” From Free People. Let that roll around in your mind for a minute before we start in on this vision quest.

Cosmic Stick, $68

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This is a stick, you guys. It’s a stick. With ribbons. And a rock tied to it. Which I guess makes it “cosmic?” I don’t know. All I can tell you is that it is a stick, and it costs $68–and there are probably human beings out there who have purchased it. Like, someone thought,¬†“I need to have that stick! $68? What a bargain! It’s perfect for all my spiritual needs!”

log lady

Abalone Shell and Sage Gift Bundle, $28

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Sure! $28 doesn’t seem like a lot, except when you realize that like, you can buy a bundle of sage for about three bucks and an abalone shell for about six, if it’s real fancy. The best part of this, however, is the description:

“Burning white sage is said to cleanse your environment of negativity, and bring balance, calm, and peace. You can use sage to cleanse your crystals, your home, car, or work, or yourself. Abalone shells can be used in your sacred ceremony or on your altar, as a dish to extinguish your smudging herbs or wood, or to keep gemstones or sacred objects together, also great for home decorating.”

YES. This shell, which you are purchasing from Free People for way the hell too much money, can be used in your “sacred ceremony or on your altar.” Now, I am not a religious or spiritual person, but I would love to know exactly what kind of person performs sacred ceremonies with shit they have bought from Free People.

Potion for Love, $28

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Use this American made potion as part of your personal ritual in wishing for romance in relations and successful partnerships. Just a few drops should do the trick. Use alone or with a partner.

OH GOOD. It’s made in America. It’s not one of those sweatshop love potions we hear so much about.

Sun Sticks, $28

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I guess these are your bargain sticks. They’re not quite as cosmic because they don’t have rocks strapped to them, but I imagine they will probably do the exact same thing that other stick does. Both these sticks and the other sticks are made by a mysterious lady known only as “Catherine,” whom I have decided is a goddamned genius. Yeah, the rest of us are slaving away at our jobs, working 9-5, and Catherine is tying some ribbons around sticks and calling it a day.

Glass Glitter, $18

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Now, crushed glass glitter will normally only run you about six bucks at the craft store, but since this is obviously “spiritual” glass glitter, it costs $18. I would, however, be very cautious about using it for your scrapbooking purposes, because I’m not sure you want your scrapbook to be imbued with such magical powers. Because it could be evil, and then like, instead of coming to life and murdering you it just rearranges your past and then here in the future your life turns out really bad and then you have to track the scrapbook down and burn it on your sacred altar with your abalone shell and magic ribbon covered sticks in order to get your life back.

Crystal Dreamcatcher, $78

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Holy shit, there are a lot of dreamcatchers on this site, because there is nothing so spiritual as cultural appropriation. This one is my favorite, specifically because it’s so expensive, and because one of the reviews earnestly warns that it is for decorative purposes only, and will not help with one’s night terrors.

I don’t know. I am kind of in the camp of “If you must be a white person buying a dreamcatcher, could you at least like, buy it from an actual Native American craftsperson and not Free People” on this one. I feel pretty gross¬†about the idea of a corporation profiting off of making their own version of an indigenous craft, particularly one with a “spiritual” significance.

Palo Santo Sticks, $24

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MORE STICKS. This is truly a stick aficionado’s dream store. Now, Palo Santo wood actually has some purpose besides being cosmic, because you can make tea with it or burn it like incense or something, but also you can buy it for like $10 pretty much anywhere else on the internet. This description though.

Palo Santo Sticks have been used by shaman and medicine men and women for years in sacred ceremonies. Most commonly, they are used for smudging, cleansing, purifying, healing, and as incense and tea. Palo Santo Sticks are famous for clearing any negative energy or spirits, and bringing luck and positive energy.

Dark Mystical Box, $75

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That’s it. Catherine is my goddamned idol. This is like, a crystal and some sage and lavender, in a box. And it’s mystical. Which is probably why it costs seventy-five American dollars. Probably you can cast some serious spells with this shit. There is also a “Bright Mystical Box” which comes with these things, plus a coin.

Smelling Salts, $22

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Very useful if you are a Victorian Era woman with delicate sensibilities and a tight corset. Or if you have just spent an entire paycheck on sticks from Free People.

H/T Keila Miranda