Pope confirms: All dogs go to heaven

After  making waves for upending Catholic orthodoxy like hating gay people and embracing evolution (even though he shouldn’t actually get credit for that one since Catholicism had already technically embraced it) Pope Francis has once again blown our collective minds with a new revelation about the order of the cosmos: We get to take our pets to heaven.

Yep, that’s right. In his weekly radio address on Wednesday Pope Frank tried to cheer up a boy who had recently lost his dog “One day, we will see our animals again in the eternity of Christ,” the pope said. “Paradise is open to all of God’s creatures.”

The news follows some speculation from November that the Pope might believe that dogs go to heaven. The Guardian analyzed at length his statement that “The holy scripture teaches us that the fulfillment of this wonderful design also affects everything around us,” and argued that the rules governing the Pope’s cosmos must also therefore apply to pets.

But this week was the first time the Pope has spoken directly about it. The revelation contradicts earlier Catholic doctrine that held animals did not have souls, making heaven a no-dogs-allowed zone.

Technically, he doesn’t say that all dogs go to heaven. If you happened to have a particularly psychopathic dog who bit your ankles constantly and chewed up all your shoes, he may well be down below with the dark prince, panting his ass off without a treat or bowl of water in sight.

And as for cats…well, may God have mercy on their bitter, bitter souls.

[Source: NBC | Image]