The 5 douchiest cities to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day

At some point, St. Patrick’s Day morphed from a Roman Catholic holiday to the holiest day of douchebaggery.

As legend has it, St. Patrick rid Ireland of a shit-ton of snakes that tried to sliver up from the sea and attack the Irish. In reality, St. Patrick (who’s not even an actual saint) was a rich Briton that, after being kidnapped by Irish pirates and held as a slave for a number of years, found God, freed himself from his captors, and then returned to Ireland to convert thousands of pagans to Christianity. So, naturally, the day that is recognized as the arrival of Christianity in Ireland is celebrated by wearing and offensive amount of green, getting hammered, and acting a like a world class degenerate. Because leprechauns, I guess? Who the fuck knows?

If St. Patrick’s Day were an event in the douchebag olympics (which should definitely be a thing), then there would be some serious competition happening for the gold. Shockingly, Boston didn’t make the cut this time around, only because they seemed to calm down a bit last year and the 10,000 feet of snow they got this year is messing with their plans.

Honorable Mention: Los Angeles

LA gets a shout out because there will be droves of celebs dressed in green, walking around getting papped accidentally-on-purpose *cough Minka Kelly and Mandy Moore* cough. And the ones that aren’t will just take to Instagram or Twitter to make sure everyone knows they’re celebrating being Irish for the day with some ridiculous party that’s probably catered by a Michelin rated chef. But what ups the douchebag ante is the sheer number of nobodies that’ll be prancing around The Grove is their greenest couture hoping that a TMZ camera catches them the background while interviewing some D-list celebrity at the farmer’s market.

Bronze Medal: Chicago

Chicago goes hard for St. Patty’s. They are serious about keeping the title of “GREENest City in The World,” a title they made up and I’m pretty sure no one is jealous of. ChiTown gets into it by dyeing river green and having every major building in downtown Chicago lit up green. Another Chicago tradition? Big ass brawls. Because it’s the Christian thing to do.

Silver Medal (tie): Dayton, Ohio

If the main college in your town gets ranked the number one St Patrick’s party by BroBible, then rest assured that city is without a doubt one of the douchiest places to be on the planet come St. Patrick’s Day. University of Dayton, a Catholic college by the way, is proud of their St.Paddy’s partying. Not only do they help Dayton be the biggest consumer of Guinness and Irish Whiskey in the entire state of Ohio that day, they also take the party to the streets which occasionally results in a full-fledge riot.

To be fair, it’s been like 20 years since the last one. So they were way overdue.

Silver Medal (tie): Albany

Sure, Dayton, your riot of 1,000 people was impressive. But it’s nothing compared to Albany. SUNY Albany’s infamous Kegs n’ Eggs party got so out of hand a couple years ago that it resulted in a riot.

The city soon put the kibosh on that classy event. But Albany can’t stop, won’t stop, because last year another brawl broke out, and this time one of the culprits allegedly punched a cop in the face. Can’t wait to see what this year brings.

Gold Medal : Hoboken, NJ

I’ve experienced this hell first hand 15 years ago as a bartender, and I’m fairly positive I have some form of St. Patrick’s Day PTSD because of it. It’s only gotten so much worse since. Hoboken is a melting pot of douche on St. Patrick’s Day. Imagine if you will every possible stereotype of someone from Jersey, be it a NJ Housewife, a cast member of The Jersey Shore, and bourgeois 30-something yuppies (yes, they exist), all packed into one quarter of a mile of bars in downtown Hoboken. Every year, Hoboken out does itself and makes Jersey proud. And by proud, I mean the butt of every joke that isn’t about Florida.

This year, instead of the typical bar-fights and public urination arrests, Hoboken proved why they’re the ones to beat when a homeless man set himself on fire. To be honest, I’m shocked this is the first time in the history this is happened, because setting yourself on fire is way more enjoyable than five minutes of this douchefest.

Tags: city guides