Illegal ferret parties all the rage in New York City
It’s no secret that New York City ain’t what it used to be. The cops are fascists, Taylor Swift is our official spokesdoll, and not even Toys R Us can afford the rent anymore. But anyone longing for the old, gritty, musky New York will be pleased to know that at least one group of people is keeping fun alive with parties as illegal as they are adorable.
I am speaking, of course, of the underground gatherings of a small but dedicated group of ferret fanciers who brazenly flout the health department’s recently reiterated ban on keeping a tiny weasel in your home. A reporter from The Guardian was recently able to gain admittance to one of these decadent affairs (presumably after being blindfolded and led down a dark alley), and what he found may shock you.
In The Guardian’s exclusive video snapshot of the illegal pet demimonde, the toothy terrors can be observed chasing each other around, licking humans they barely know, and taking hits of an unidentified brown substance. “They love this stuff,” sneers one libertine. Adds another, somewhat ominously: “When they calm down, they’re very affectionate.”
One particularly concerning shot shows an all-out interspecies tickle-fest raging on a mattress. Thankfully, the camera pans away before things get too real.
“They are the best of both worlds,” says one of the ferret ladies. “As playful as a dog, as clean and aloof as a cat.” She then added that cities where ferrets are legal have had no problems with “excessive biting.” Only the normal level of biting, thanks.
This gleaming theme park of a town being what it is, there’s probably little hope that the practitioners of this alternative lifestyle will ever being able to step out of the shadows; not as long as noted ferretphobe Rudy Giuliani maintains his sphere of influence. Nevertheless, one ferretphile remains optimistic: “Hopefully one day, people will reconsider and not be fearful of something that they’re not necessarily familiar with.” Keep dreaming, you beautiful freak.