There’s gold in your poop and it’s worth millions

Human excrement contains “fortunes” in gold, silver, platinum, and other precious metals, but we’re just flushing that shit down the toilet, says Kathleen Smith of the U.S. Geological Survey.

“The gold we found was at the level of a minimal mineral deposit,” the geologist said, detailing the results of an eight-year study, making the metals commercially viable to traditional prospectors.

So, other than what I’m calling my dooks from here on out, what exactly is a “minimum mineral deposit?” A previous study by the University of Arizona estimated that a city with a population of 1 million dumps about $13 million in precious metals down the crapper every year.

Where’s it all coming from? The simple answer is of course our b-holes. Metals are increasingly used in the products that we consume, wash our hair with, and rub on our pits. Through the circle of life, it all eventually ends up with the rest of the crap we put in our bodies. These metals, aside from being worth a shit ton, actually are not great for the environment, and also limit the amount of our doodie that can be utilized as fertilizer.

And while sifting through yesterday’s dinner for microscopic particles of precious metals might not sound like the most pleasant task, it’s actually safer and easier to do it in the controlled environment of a sewage plant versus natural mining settings, where the use of powerful chemicals can wreak havoc on surrounding ecosystems.

Tokyo has already begun extracting gold from their sludge at yields rivaling those found in ore at leading mines.

So the next time someone tells you “that shit is gold,” you can be like “yes, yes it is.”