Twitter theory: Zayn Malik quit One Direction to join ISIS

Tweenyboppers the world over are keening and pounding their chests following the news that One Direction’s resident “sexy bad boy” Zayn Malik is pulling the ultimate cool guy move of leaving the band to “be a normal 22-year-old who is able to relax and have some private time out of the spotlight” as if such a thing will ever be possible for him again for as long as he lives. Malik being some sort of Islamic-raised brown person and the world being a terrible place, Twitter trolls have wasted no time attempting to “make the joke” that he’s leaving the world’s most popular boy band to join the the terrifying (yet social media savvy!) Islamic extremist group known as ISIS.

But don’t take my word for it. Look at this shit:

It’s unclear exactly what the Islamic state would want with someone who routinely poses for photos like these:


Presumably he would help ramp up recruitment in ISIS’ coveted “hysterical teen girl” demographic. (Hey, some of those 1D fans can be vicious.)

In all seriousness, this is obviously super racist and now I want to hide in a Twitter-less cave for the rest of the day. At least we can take comfort in the fact that an army of pissed off children–who were already having a bad day, thank you–will waste no time in tracking down each one of these would-be comedians and showing them the true definition of terror.

“But you defended ‘The Daily Show’ when they made a joke comparing 1D fans to ISIS!” some simple straw-tween may scream. To which I say: The Directioner cult is far more comparable to a dogmatic terrorist group than Zayn will ever be, and if you don’t understand why that is, I shan’t kill the joke further by explaining it.