Food writer embarks on quest to create the perfect ‘fart dip’
Do you like the farts you get from French onion dip but wish they could be even gnarlier? Food writer Dennis Lee does, so he’s embarked upon a heroic, one-man quest to create the perfect “fart dip.”
As Lee explains in his blog The Pizzle, the food scene is a wretched place full of rich idiots who spend their days trying to make people jealous and kissing each other’s asses:
For a lot of publications, food writing is often about the illusion of glamour and making readers feel like they are left out of a cool kids party. Back when I freelanced more often, I was able to go to fancy events with fancy food. I took pretty photos for pieces I wrote, and sometimes when I wanted to feel like a more interesting person than I am, I would put photos up on Facebook and Twitter. It made people jealous of my food writer lifestyle.
If you are ever feeling low about the fact that you don’t go to these parties, then just imagine a bunch of jerkoffs in a room together, farting constantly and sniffing each other’s farts while eating fancy food and name-dropping famous chefs.
But what if someone fed those fools something that would make their fart-smelling literal? Continues Lee:
I imagined myself at a fancy party where I served a magical delicious dip. It would be addictive and wonderful, but what people would not know is that every ingredient was picked to maximize flatulence. Then, a few hours later, everyone would secretly start farting uncontrollably and pass out. Everyone would be so embarrassed that all these dumb fancy food parties would go away forever.
And so, the intrepid fartologist gathered together the world’s gassiest foods and set about making history:
I came up with the following ingredients: Butter beans (aka lima beans), cabbage, sour cream, prunes, and onions. Apparently lima beans are some of the fartiest of the legumes, cabbage contains sugars that ferment in your gut, sour cream is for the lactose intolerant, prunes have fiber and also make some people fart, and onions also have sugar that will give you gas. So basically these are fart ingredient superheroes.
Unfortunately, the fart dip’s first incarnation left something to be desired:
It was getting late, so I decided that Fart Dip was going to be my dinner. I choked down a whole cup of it. It, in fact, tasted like vomit. The vomit flavor mainly came from the caramelized onions, but mixing it with tart sour cream, pureed plain lima beans, farty cabbage, and poo-inducing prunes, drove the flavor over the cliff of Jesus-Christ-Why-Did-I-Do-This. There’s no way anyone would eat this at a party. This may have been one of the worst things I have ever made. But I was in it for science. I ate a bunch, felt sick, and went straight to bed.
It didn’t even make him fart that much. 🙁 But don’t worry, Lee promises to keep trying. He knows Rome wasn’t built in a day.
With science, progress comes one step at a time. This is only the first step. I will double back and try again until I get it right. I am determined to ruin a fancy party someday. You guys have just witnessed the birth of a supervillain.
God speed, you quixotic foreman of flatulence, you wizard of wind. I have complete and utter faith in your dip of destiny and the hilarious fart party it will someday create.