Naked man gets stuck in river, wishes to remain there
A group of Memphis police officials are celebrating their successful extraction of a naked man from the Mississippi River after an hour and a half long standoff during which he made it very clear he didn’t want to be rescued.
According to WMC Action News 5, the man was just minding his business, going for a little swim in the buff when the bumbling do-gooders on the Memphis police force decided he needed rescuing. (He was first reported as a dead body, but they soon found he was quite the live one.) They tried throwing him a life preserver but he was like “Nah brah” and swam away.
Seeing the man was not going to cooperate, they next tried to fish him out with one of those wire snares they use to trap errant raccoons, but he evaded them like the wily merman he was, ever just a few knots ahead. “The person didn’t wanna be helped,” babbled division chief Kirk Lock uncomprehendingly. “We was trying to throw him life jackets and tow ropes and he was refusing any kind of help.”
An hour and a half and 4-5 miles later, one officer who’d had enough straight up dove in, grabbed him, and wrestled him onto the boat, at which point he died a slow and painful death because his gills were not capable of breathing air.
When reached for comment, King Neptune simply sighed, “We lost a good fish that day,” then mumbled something about a wrongful death lawsuit.
Now cracks a noble swim bladder. Good night, sweet Mississippi merman. And flights of angelfish sing thee to thy rest.