What Do Vampires Ejaculate? And Other True Blood Sex Mysteries

Anyone else notice the sexual dilemmas present in “True Blood”?

What Do Vampires Ejaculate? And Other True Blood Sex Mysteries

I’ve never met a vampire, but I know they’re great at sex.

Or so “True Blood” would have us believe. In the second episode of this season, Eric Northman, the show’s wayward Viking vampire played by Alexander Skarsgard, has sex with an Estonian stripper for six hours. From the glazed look in her eyes and sweat pouring down her face, I’d say she really enjoyed it, depite the fact she was chained up in a dungeon. As fate would have it, by the time Sookie Stackhouse barges in on them, Eric hasn’t finished. Which of course begs the question: What happens when vampires finish?

True Blood Sex Mystery #1: Do vampires come?
What Do Vampires Ejaculate? And Other True Blood Sex Mysteries

There is a complex biological process behind the formation of semen. It doesn’t just burst out of your balls. The process involves seminferous tubules, seminal fluid and, of course, the vas deferens, which is not the name of a bounty hunter from “Star Wars,” but instead the place where your semen is stored prior to being sprayed on your belly button as you’re hunched over in front of your computer.

Since the vampires of “True Blood” have no heartbeat, no pulse, don’t breathe and cry blood, I’m assuming they’re batting zero in the seminal fluid department (though this stuff is pretty hard to research). But if vampires don’t come blood, which they very well may, it’s safe to assume they don’t shoot the bleach-smelling, bedsheet-stiffening nectar their human counterparts produce. Alan Ball, what exacty is Bill Compton shooting in Sookie that keeps her coming back for more?

True Blood Sex Mystery #2: How do vampire ladies get wet?
What Do Vampires Ejaculate? And Other True Blood Sex Mysteries

We’ve seen both Jessica and Bill’s evil ex-girlfriend, Lorena, have sex throughout the three seasons of “True Blood.” Jessica, a virgin before she was made vampire, suffers a sexual disadvantage caused by her advanced healing: her hymen repairs itself. How unfortunate.

But advanced healing is a huge part of the show, so I can get a self-repairing hymen. But how the vampire girls get wet in the first place is confusing.

The last time you cried — probably when you went to see “Letters to Juliet” — you perhaps noticed you had to blow your nose. As your little sissy tears drained from your tear ducts, they also emptied into your nose, mixing mucus with water, causing it to run.

We see a lot of vampires crying blood in “True Blood,” but nary a nose blow. I’m assuming this is deliberate. Vampire mucus? It doesn’t make any sense. But the natural lubricant women experience when they’re aroused is a type of mucus secreted from their vaginal glands. So how can they have mucus down there, but not up top?

Considering how much fun vampire sex looks like, it just can’t be all dry and ashy. Is the lube blood? Because that’s a little gross, although four out of five men do prefer sex with women who are on their period.*

* Author speculation

True Blood Sex Mystery #3: Do shapeshifters have sex as animals?
What Do Vampires Ejaculate? And Other True Blood Sex Mysteries

We’ve all seen porn where the lady jerks off a horse. These things happen.

In season 2, Sam Merlotte had a brief romance with another shifter, Daphne. We watched them make love in human form. BORING.

It would have been rad if they became panda bears or alligators and started going at it. Or eagles. There’s already so much human/ vampire sex on the show that a little variety could have gone a long way.

Additionally, what about shifter on animal sex? Say Sam’s walking into town one day and notices a poodle. This is a real good-looking poodle, by the way. I mean this thing is good. Could he become a pit bull and have his way with it, then walk away human like nothing happened? ‘Cause that’s rape, buddy.

Or what if Sam became a seahorse and had sex with another seahorse and got pregnant? Would he stay pregnant as a human?

No wonder all the other supernatural beings are down on shifters — they’re the ones having all the fun.

True Blood Sex Mystery #4: If vampires can unnaturally twist their heads around, can they also unnaturally contort their bodies and give themselves blow jobs?
What Do Vampires Ejaculate? And Other True Blood Sex Mysteries

Twitter was set ablaze with grossed-out “True Blood” fans after the Bill/ Lorena head-twist, hate-sex scene earlier this season. My initial reaction was not disgust but fascination. I thought, Well, if they can twist their necks around like that and live, they can probably twist their torsos around quite a bit, too. And if they can twist their torsos around like that, they can probably suck their own dicks.

They must all be amazing at yoga, too. The Garudasana Eagle pose has nothing on vampires. Anything else newfangled about them? Do all vampires love Frank Gehry architecture, too?

All of these vampire/ human inconsistencies are summed up by Bill in the first season: it’s magic. “What animates you does not animate me, Sookie.”

Well, if magic is what it takes to give yourself a blow job, get me to the nearest magician school.

True Blood Sex Mystery #5: If fairies shoot light out of their hands, can they also shoot light out of their vaginas?
What Do Vampires Ejaculate? And Other True Blood Sex Mysteries
As we learned last night, Sookie is part fairy, just like Justin Bieber. That’s why she shoots light out of her hands and reads people’s minds and looks fantastic naked.

Now that that’s been clarified, how awesome would it be if Sookie could shoot light out of her vagina? A woman spreading her legs can definitely feel like an enlightening experience, but imagine it was like the part in “Ghostbusters” where Sigourney Weaver opens the refrigerator and all the light streams out. It could be just like that, without the demonic dogs inside.

I’m sure there are other “True Blood” sex mysteries I’ve missed. If any in particular have been bothering you, leave them in the comments.