Egg Recall: 5 Tips to Beat Salmonella

Lax federal oversight has led to the recall of a half-billion eggs.

Egg Recall: 5 Tips to Beat Salmonella

If you live in America and eat cookies, cake, salad dressing, bread, muffins or donuts you probably have a pretty high body-fat percentage so do us a favor and keep your shirt on. Also, these things are made with eggs so in all likelihood you’re going to die.

The salmonella toll keeps rising, with close to 500-million eggs being recalled. The FDA claims responsibility for ensuring eggs are safe for human consumption, but claims the government organization needs more power over egg inspection. Great, another government agency grabbing for power. Where’s the Tea Party when you need them? Where’s Sarah Palin tweeting “I don’t eat eggs ’cause I can’t hunt ‘em”? How can this egg crisis be turned into a campaign narrative? Because if you can promise me clean eggs, you have my vote.

It would be great if salmonella poisoning wasn’t that bad, but it’s awful. It’s like being bulimic in a boxing ring.

Fortunately, I’ve been there before, so I’ve got some snazzy pointers to help you through the crisis.

1. Call Your Mom
Call your mom and start crying. Just get it out. Tell her you’re dying and you love her and you’ve never felt so bad. Make sure she hears you throwing up so she feels really bad, too. That way everybody can feel bad, which is the point of having a family.

2. Drink Lots of Gatorade
Gatorade isn’t only essential when you’re on the court or in the ring. It’s great when you’re barfing your brains out and fighting off dehydration-fueled hallucinations. Gatorade is oddly nourishing when you’re that sick, as it replenishes much-needed electrolytes. Also, if you drink the red kind it looks like you’re puking blood, which you can use to scare your mom, whose probably at your place by now.

3. Watch Nicholas Cage movies like “Face Off” and “Con-Air”
You need something thrilling, but not too thrilling. Something action-packed, but not that action-packed. What you need are the nineties action films starring Nicholas Cage. In what other circumstances would you watch these films except under this circumstance, where you literally cannot move. Think of it like the Ludovico treatment for your intestines.

4. Eat Lots of Saltine Crackers
Time to carb up. Send your mom to get the big box of Saltines and eat all four rows. They’re as binding as bananas, but settle your stomach because there is next to nothing in them, which belies they’re rich, crisp texture.

5. Masturbation
It’s been a tough 27 hours, time to top it off. Though, if you’re too sick to get yourself in front of your computer, you may actually have to use your imagination, which may arguably be the worst part of your day.