The Tea Party’s anti-Iran deal rally was hilarious

Just so no one is confused, let me start this off by saying fuck Iran’s government. Despite its claims to be reformist, the regime in Tehran is a principal sponsor of genocide in Syria. So I’m actually against the Iran deal — not because I care if they have a nuke, I don’t care at all if they do, but they are helping to kill plenty of Syrians with their “normal” weapons.

That being said, Wednesday’s anti-Iran deal rally was hilarious.

The very small and geriatric crowd was instructed to hold up their signs so the cameras could see them. Then, the action began. The Tea Party Patriots-sponsored event featured a litany of speakers each more bizarre than the next. A retired military officer informed the crowd that Senator Obama had secretly contacted Iran prior to his election in order to prevent President Bush from securing a better deal.

He went on to explain how Obama had committed treason by teaching the Iranians how to defend their facilities. The source for this is Mark Ledeen, a discredited neo-conservative who claims that the French state-funds al-Qaeda and that the sunni militant Al Zarqawi was leading the Shia rebellion in Iraq. Another retired military man claimed that Iran was funding the Taliban, which is false considering Iran actually expressed its support for the US campaign to topple the Taliban. Ted Cruz later informed the crowd that he apparently knows Iran’s secret plan! They are going to launch a missile from a ship very high into the atmosphere, creating an electromagnetic pulse that would knock out all electronics in the eastern US and kill millions of Americans — similar to the plot of GoldenEye.

Donald Trump strolled out to REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” — undoubtedly pissing off Michael Stipe. The GOP frontrunner explained how the four Americans being held by Iran would magically reappear: “If I win the presidency I guarantee you those four prisoners will be back in this country before I ever take office! With incompetent leadership like we have right now Israel will not survive.”

Also, the Iran deal would benefit Russia “as an example Russia who is selling tremendous missiles to Iran,” Trump also warned. “They are going to make lots of money with Iran … We are lead by very stupid people!”

Now, not to accuse anyone of being stupid, but of course Trump did not mention the fact that Israel just finalized a deal to sell 10 high-tech drones to Russia, presumably to spy on Ukrainian positions and hurt US allies. Echoing the greatest political philosopher of all time, Charlie Sheen, The Donald stated that “we will have so much winning if I am elected that you may get bored with winning!”

Sarah Palin jumped right into the homophobia with an apparent reference to Kim Davis, who “borders wide open, servers a wiping, [Obama’s] bad actors are rewarded while a Christian clerk goes to jail.” Palin also ignored the recent Russia-Israel arms deal by talking about Iran and its buddy Russia. She even spoke in Russian: “There is a name in Russian for taking advantage of America. It’s ‘fortoshka’ and that means Obama’s window of opportunity.”

The greatest speaker of course was luminary and geo-political strategist extraordinaire, Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson, who talked about God:

You know why I love Israel? They wrote the bible that’s why I love em! When god chose to become flesh 2015 years ago, you calender dates that event, you know what kind of flesh he became? Jewish flesh! … We are pro gun we are pro-git yer [indecipherable] out there and go to work … they always say that Robertson guy is too religious…. I say America ain’t religious enough!

I think it’s safe to say this is a very rational group of people, and that the world will be safer under their intelligent stewardship.

[photo via NPR]