Starbucks joins the heathens in the War on Christmas
In what is perhaps the biggest victory to date in the ongoing War on Christmas, the heathens struck a crucial blow against baby Jesus with the official recruitment of burnt coffee purveyor Starbucks. That’s right, people; Starbucks has chosen a side, and they are decidedly anti-Christmas. We know this because they unveiled their official holiday cups for 2015 and they are, um…red and green. So clearly, they hate Christmas!
At least that’s what Joshua Feuerstein — who may or may not be Kevin James researching a role — and crazy people who shared his Facebook video complaining about the cups think. Also, I couldn’t help notice Feurstein pronounces the word “literally” exactly like Rob Lowe in Parks and Recreation. It’s not important, but it needed to be mentioned.
Anyway, Feuerstein is upset that the words Christmas and/or Christ are nowhere to be found on the cups emblazoned with the traditional colors of Christmas. He’s also under the impression that Starbucks employees aren’t even allowed to say “Merry Christmas” due to religion’s greatest foe, political correctness. I’m not a Starbucks employee so I don’t know their corporate policy, but I’m willing to bet they are in fact allowed to say those words they just aren’t supposed to assume every single person who walks in to buy coffee is Christian, which isn’t so much politically correct as it is “accurate.”
But Feuerstein is a smart dude, and he found a way around this oppressive policy. When they asked him his name, he said it was Merry Christmas, forcing the employees to write the phrase on the cup and say it! My god! The brilliance of it all! So he started a movement and actually got his stupid #MerryChristmasStarbucks crusade trending on Saturday, because the fear that somehow Christmas will be ripped away from kind, god-fearing Christians is second only to the fear that the government is coming to steal all of our guns. Oh, right, Feuerstein also brought his gun into the store as a direct “fuck you” to Starbucks’ please don’t bring your guns to our coffee shop policy.
Fellow heathens, I don’t know about you, but this give me hope. These are the desperate flailings of a doomed cause. Surely we will fully eradicate Christmas sometime in the next 2,000 years. I can feel it. The end is nigh.
[h/t NY Daily News]