Gas Mask Bra: An Astounding Challenge for Men

We didn’t think it possible, but the battle of the sexes and the war on terror have converged in the form of a bra that doubles as a gas mask. The creator calls it the “Emergency Bra.” Men should feel… well, confused, but possibly inspired, and definitely challenged.

Gas Mask Bra: An Astounding Challenge for Men
[Terrorists can’t touch this…]

One has to admit, “eBra” inventor Dr. Elena Bodnar did do a good job of creating a convenient, practical invention. “The goal of any emergency respiratory device is to achieve tight fixation and full coverage,” reads the website for the otherwise unmentionable safety device, which sells for $29.95.

“Luckily, the wonderful design of the bra is already in the shape of a face mask and so with the addition of a few design features, the Emergency Bra enhances the efficiency of minimizing contaminated bypass air flow.”

Makes sense to me, and I wish Dr. Bodnar well selling the potentially life-saving brassiere. I’m left wondering, however, how her company plans to address the men’s market.

Before the Men’s Rights movement gets up in arms, CNET reports that eBra will soon unveil a “counterpart device for men.” They’d better: this nation and its free market are founded on equality, and if eBra doesn’t widen their market to include men, they’re unpatriotic. It’s as simple as that. There are, however, some bumps on the road to anti-terror undergarment equality.

The only “counterpart” I could imagine would be a jock strap, which isn’t really something men wear on a regular basis. And, even if we did, jockstraps aren’t the most accessible accessory.

But my Death and Taxes colleague Alex Moore raised another potential hazard to the “eJock:” “Inhaling the fumes from your jockstrap could be just as deleterious as a steady flow of anthrax.”

To this I offer an axiom, one just as potent as “all men and women are created equal,” although far more universal: “cleanliness is next to godliness.” Osama and company, of course, would disagree: they’re living in a cave, so to them, our cleanliness is in fact godlessness.

The ultimate lesson here, boys and girls: when your jock stinks, terror wins. So, Mr. Moore, whose side are you on? The side of freedom or the side of stinky terror?