Our president is orange

Well, fuck. Trump has been inaugurated. This is a stain that we can’t wash out. This guy and his politics are with us until the end. On such a tragic and shameful day I want to try something different, and find positive things to say about President Trump. He’s a great man, no doubt, just not a very good man. In fact, he can be pretty terrible. But he’s not history’s greatest monster. Not yet, at least. He’s just a man… standing in front of a country… wanting to do bad things to it. That’s not meant to sound like a rape joke. It just does because the new president is an admitted pussy-grabber.

He may not be your president, but he’s the presidentso we as Americans owe him this one. You don’t have to love, like, or even respect the president. In fact, it’s probably more patriotic that you don’t, but some days you gotta know when to fight and when to chill.

This isn’t going to make you happy: Trump has an appeal. There, I said it. He has the appeal of a Tony Soprano. He is, in some ways, a likable person, totally oblivious to the damage that he’s doing to the world around him. There’s almost an innocence in how checked out of reality he truly is. And regardless of how you feel about him, unintentional or not, he is a very funny person. His timing is impeccable and he’s darkly, genuinely funny as shit.  

Trump is an American avatar of fake-it-til-you-make-it success, where the very concept of defeat simply doesn’t compute. He has a charm and mystique. You want to know where he stands and what he thinks about certain issues, especially because he’s held so many different positions. It can’t be denied. He’s a mad scientist of political destruction. Politics is the only business where you can be wrong all the time and still expect a raise and promotion, and Trump understands that. JFK and Reagan were masters of bullshit too. Maybe this whole thing could work out. This is the same guy who got Republican crowds to applaud Planned Parenthood and boo Karl Rove. He was the first Republican nominee ever to mention LGBTQ rights at the RNC and got applause, no less. He loves the Rollings Stones so that’s something.

I actually agree with the Trump philosophy of maximum retaliation. He attacked my hero, my president, and I gleefully spent the better part of two years being as disrespectful and awful as I possibly could be to him. It didn’t work in that election. Trump won and now he’s the boss, and because I love my country, he’s my president too. The resistance has begun and maximum retaliation is the first thing on our minds, but we’ll figure all that out tomorrow. Today is the new king’s jubilee. All hail Macbeth!

It’s important to remember that we’re all on the same side here. We all love America, just in different ways. Trump obviously has an affection for America. He’s always talking about how it’s getting screwed over and how he wants to make it great again. He just treats the country like an abuser does his victim

There’s also a bent appeal in a man who had nearly the whole world against him, was outspent, did what he wanted, and still won based entirely on the narrow power of his own personality. He has a hustler’s spirit. That’s American as fuck. If you’re honest, part of you has to like him. He’s pure political punk rock. He entered politics to fuck shit up and he succeeded. You have to respect that. He took the oath of office on a stage filled with people from both parties who hate him and did everything they could to stop him.

He’s never held office or served the public, never ran before and still won it on the first try. You have to like how Trump did in one race what the Koch brothers could never do in their whole lives. Through primaries, the general election, recounts, and faithless electors in the Electoral College, he won. He campaigned like a motherfucker and pulled off the wildest modern political victory, second only to Barack Obama. He should be able to do a lot of what he wants. That’s the way the system works, even if you don’t like it. It’s probably not the best thing for a president to tweet crazy stuff, but he won with nothing but balls and a Twitter account. Let the man tweet.


He could be a new Teddy Roosevelt. A pugnacious cage fighter. With such a stubborn and forceful personality there is great potential in him, but far too often he seems to be his own worst enemy. Forget bitter Democrats. Trump does more damage to himself in one morning than Democrats can inflict in a week. His drive seems to be his greatest asset and enemy. He is his own victim.

We don’t know what kind of leader he truly is, how liberal he really is, if he’s even conservative, or believes in anything but himself, or whether he’ll start some needless war and get us all killed. He could ratfuck the press, destroy a woman’s right to choose, turn the country into a kind of ethnocentric wasteland of hate (lol, too late), and become a souped-up, American version of Berlusconi or Putin.  

Or maybe he could make decent moves that could actually benefit America instead of himself. Trump Tower may be intoxicating, but the White House has a way of sobering your ass right up. We’ve been told to take Trump seriously but not literally, and even though this is the kind of thing one might say about a crazy person on the street, for a man of such intellectual simplicity this is an incredibly nuanced perspective. It contains value.

And it has been morbidly hilarious to watch a town of the world’s most serious people have to dance around the silliest president ever. Maybe he’s crazy like a fox and he’ll end up doing some good. Who knows? It’s not necessarily a bad thing to have greater infrastructure spending and better relations with countries we once hated. Tax cuts aren’t always bad. He can’t be wrong all the time. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

I don’t really see the point in protesting a man who just won an election and hasn’t even had one day to enact his agenda, but we’ve never had a spoiled baby president talk about pussy grabbing before. So, he might be a Russian stooge. It’s hardly the first time there’s been foreign interference in American politics. Indeed, there would be no American politics without interference by the French.

Yeah, I’m scared. Yeah, I feel bad for the kids who will grow up thinking this kind of behavior is normal or acceptable. Yeah, we are in a truly frightening and dangerous moment probably never experienced in the country’s history. But where else would you rather fucking be? The real struggle of our lives starts right now. Let’s party today and fight tomorrow. That’s what makes us American.

[photo: Getty]