Bitch Jason Chaffetz promises not to leave Congress ‘tomorrow’ or ‘next week’

Amid speculation that House Oversight Committee chair Jason Chaffetz is planning to abruptly flee Congress in the wake of some undisclosed scandal, the Utah Republican is insisting that we shouldn’t put on our dancing shoes just yet. “I might depart early,” the congressman told Politico. “It’s not tomorrow, it’s not next week. If it is, it’s going to be in the months to come.”

When asked if a forthcoming scandal is forcing Chaffetz out of office before his term ends in 2018, Cucketz decided to detail his political opponents’ apparent unfettered access to his rectum.

“Absolutely, positively not,” Chaffetz said. “Not in any way shape or form. I’ve been given more enemas by more people over the last eight years than you can possibly imagine. From the Secret Service to the Democratic Party. I am who I am. If they had something really scandalous, it would’ve come out a long, long time ago.”

Thanks for painting that picture.

Speaking of assholes, Chaffetz is openly courting job opportunities before even leaving office.

“I started poking around to see what I might be worth and what sort of possibilities are there,” he said. “And I got a series of ‘Let us know when you’re serious.’ Well now I can say, ‘Can you tell I am serious?’… I’d be thrilled to have a television relationship. But there’s a number of things I’d like to do.”

Perhaps be can go back to being the spokesman for a pyramid scheme like he was in the early ’90s.

[Photo: Getty]